a slow return

November 27, 2009 at 8:27 pm (reflection)

i’ve been gone for a while from here.  wow.  so much has happened.  i donwsized in a major way.  now everything is smaller and trimmer, though there’s still some extraneaous junk to be cut.

i guess that’s about it for now though i’m hoping i can make it back here more often and write about what’s unfolding.  i’ve missed having a space to let it all out.

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house on fire

February 7, 2008 at 10:32 am (destruction, grace, mystery, reflection)

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the house next door caught on fire the other night. at first, i didn’t think much about the sirens, since i live a block away from the fire station and hear the trucks all day long. then i realized they were crowding the street in front of my house.

then i smelled the smoke.

the house next door is ten feet from mine. i live in a dense, urban area. i looked out the window and saw gray smoke rolling out of the basement windows and creeping out of the cracks in the windows upstairs. i started feeling panicky as i heard the firemen smashing windows and talking on their radios.

i never saw flames.

the smell of smoke built up for a while. i worried about my sleeping children and wondered if we would have to leave. these houses are old and made of brick, so i wasn’t too worried about the fire spreading. it crossed my mind but i put that thought quickly aside. fortunately the wind was blowing the smoke away from us and we were able to get some fresh, cold air from the south side.

no one was hurt. no one lives there. the house has been sitting empty for almost two years. our former neighbors got a “great deal” in the suburbs and moved away. they were unable to sell the remaining house though and it slipped into foreclosure. someone had just purchased it and was starting to renovate. now it’s a burned out shell.

i was just starting to make peace with the idea that we were going to give up the dream of a simpler, more natural life. i was beginning to commit to living in the city and tolerating the intensity of sound, smell and other stimulation. my dream of the small town with a more relaxed lifestyle was fading and the THE HOUSE BURNS?

don’t get me wrong. i am so grateful that no one was hurt and that things are relatively fine but i was excited about the renovation. excited at the possibility that there would be an improvement to the neighborhood, that someone finally cared about the old beauty. now i wonder what will happen. will it sit there empty and burned, continuing a vortex of energy that never gets resolved?

what does it all mean? is it an omen? am i supposed to make meaning out of it?

maybe there is no meaning…just a random, life-changing event for someone else.

i wish i knew.

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the missed kiss

January 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm (destruction, history, longing, passion, reflection)

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a friend of mine sent me an article about a boy i used to know. now he’s a man and a successful one. the article had a picture of him in the bathroom with his wife and two children. one babe was in the bath, the other on his lap.

this boy, i had a mad crush on. the first time i saw him, i looked up and he was staring at me intently. Then he gave me a big, beautiful smile and i felt a shock of energy go through my body. it was intense and unfamiliar. i remember scowling at him which has always been a natural reaction when something surprising happens in my world.

that little shock of energy was like a mad seed that burrowed down inside me and started to grow. i found myself suddenly shy and unable to glance his way. i liked to look at him when he wasn’t paying attention. he was a very handsome boy…much too handsome for me. i’ve always liked my men less than pretty.

fate kept throwing us together. we had similar interests and crossed paths often. as other boys came in and out of my life, i learned to relax more with this one. we met to study and chat, though it became quickly clear to me that if he really knew me, knew the details of my life, that he would disapprove. i was out of control at the time, a charming mess.

the real shock came when i realized he had a mad crush on me as well. i felt an absolute sense of dread. my heart turned cold. i was slightly rude and quietly mocked his attempts to seduce me.

i don’t know why.

he hung in there, but the more favor he showed me the more i pulled away. in time he ended up with a girl who was heartbreakingly beautiful. i felt justified for i knew i wasn’t the right girl for him…too wild, too rough, too abusive toward myself and anyone who chose to care for me.

still, i wondered what it would have been like to kiss him.

the more time passes, the more i miss the kiss.

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crystal ball

January 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm (beginnings, grace, reflection, simplicity, wealth)

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i wish i had a crystal ball and could see what lies ahead. some things i know…the children will grow, the seasons will shift, i will work and continue to push ahead.

i hope i can start to pull away from the financial stress that keeps me up at night. i hope my husband and i can grow closer and live more harmoniously. i hope that i continue to grow spiritually.

i want to fall in love with the life i’m living. i’ve made progress. i want to be creative and dynamic and find new ways of approaching old problems. i want to be of good health and want the same for my family and friends. i want to experience more DIVINITY in my day to day dealings.

sometimes i feel like i was born at the wrong time. the world we’re in is stimulating and intense and overwhelming. i long for simplicity. after pondering for a long time, i realize that simplicity is an inner state. no amount of organizing and cleaning and downsizing can get me to that place of peace. i think too, that simplicity for me may require a degree of surrender to what is.

surrender is tough. i’m a fighter!

so…if i had a crystal ball, this is what i hope my forecast would be:

KEEP ON GOING…face life squarely, no more drifting off to sleep in a fantasy, you’re on the right track and whatever challenges come up, you have the resources to overcome. life is wondrous and magical and fantastic. SHOW UP WITH LOVE. you are doing a great job…

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mothering

December 31, 2007 at 11:52 pm (divine feminine, innocence, love, mothering, reflection)

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i have two small children and i love them dearly. i wish i were more patient and focused on them.

i’ve always been a bit of a hermit, a private person. naturally, it’s tough for me to handle the chaos and demands that children bring. i am ashamed that i’m not better at the job.

i recently went back to work full time after spending three years with my son and one year with my daughter. it has been incredibly energizing to have a business to build. still, i feel some regret that i’m not one of those lovely mothers who is happy to care for the children all day, coming up with fun craft projects and trips to the park and the zoo.

i’ve found it difficult to bond with other mothers and women in general. there’s a thread of competition that seems to run through my interactions with other mothers and i’m always on the losing end. i find it amusing most of the time. i’m one of those people who wants to shout to the world I’M HUMAN…I’M A MESS AND I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

there is some truth to this. i’ve been told that i’m incredibly accepting of others’ faults (though my husband would beg to differ). in my own internal world, i am mean as a snake in my self-reflective glory. i know what my potential is and i’m not there AT ALL. i’m not even trying.

that’s why the parenting haunts me a bit. i know i could do better and i just don’t.

still, they love me and i love them. i am so very very grateful they are here to help me become more of who i’m meant to be. bless them for this thankless task.

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aging to new beauty?

December 28, 2007 at 10:52 pm (beauty, mystique, physicality, reflection, sexuality)

YOUNG GIRLS…ENJOY THE BLOOM OF YOUTH…IT FADES TO SOMETHING DEEPER AND MORE PROFOUND YET LESS VISIBLE…

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lately i’ve been thinking a lot about aging. i never thought it would bother me. it’s not that it bothers me exactly but when i see the quality of my skin and how it’s changing, i realize that the beauty of youth is quickly leaving me.

i’ve never been incredibly good looking, but i had at one time a pretty hot little body and enough charisma to make up for being a little rough around the edges. i come from peasant stock and as such, have the unrefined features of a field worker.

ok, maybe i’m being too hard on myself. there were a handful of time periods in my life where i got plenty of male attention. i looked good in my tight little outfits and had really beautiful hair. now i see that the beauty i had is fading. i’m relieved that i wasn’t too invested in my looks. i can see now how painful it would be to lose that if it meant a lot.

honestly, i found it strange to be adored for my body and looks. i was always suspicious of it and slightly insulted. i’ve always wanted to be known more for who i am than what the outer shell looks like. secretly i loved the attention. and i especially loved being cruel to those who favored me with it.

now that it’s all gone, i wonder if i appreciated it enough. isn’t that the way of life though?

we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone?

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welcome

December 26, 2007 at 9:18 pm (beginnings, exploration, mystery, passion, reflection)

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my new space for ultra-self-indulgent drivel.

so luscious…

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