desertion

July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am (destruction, exploration, power)

i guess that’s what i did…i deserted my secret blog.  i just got too busy as my husband went back to work and i was thrust into taking care of my children and building a business.  honestly i’ve been a bit depressed but that’s nothing unusual.

life feels so incredibly intense and i have these terrible moments of feeling like i’m not up to the task.  The trials and tribulations wouldn’t bother me so much if i felt capable of weathering the storms.  i am full of shame and weakness and it’s awful.

i think that some of the material i chose to explore here got to be too painful as well.  ruminating about what might have been, clinging to old memories and constantly seeking to find something more substantial in myself.  not just endurance but the ability to overcome my own bullshit.

i know i’m rambling and it’s not interesting.

i guess i’ll carry on for there’s not much else to do.  i just pray i can start to believe in myself and believe that at some point there will be more prosperity and stability in my world.  i pray that i can get past the anger of feeling somehow ripped off.

i disgust myself and thus…i will have to insert a pretty picture here to counteract the HORROR.

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death of sardanapalus

February 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm (destruction, history, innocence, power, sexuality)

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my family had a book of delacroix paintings when we were growing up. i remember being fascinated by this particular painting. i felt naughty looking at it for it hinted of things i didn’t understand…sexuality, the power of men over women, violence…

i couldn’t understand how the man in the bed seemed serene amidst the carnage. the women, so helpless, what had they done to deserve this?

it turns out, sardanapalus was under siege and when he knew defeat was inevitable, he ordered all his riches (including his women) destroyed. still, it puzzles me that he is so relaxed watching such horror unfold. imagine my confusion as a child!

as a young girl, i keenly felt the disparity between men and women. my brothers had masculine chores like taking out the trash and working on the yard. i was relegated to dishes and housework. i protested as soon as i was able. my family was politically liberal but my protests fell on deaf ears.

as a young woman, it bothered me that boys could behave a certain way and be cheered and encouraged. when i tried to pioneer, i felt resistance and sometimes even shame for being so bold.

i resented the physical vulnerability of being female and resented the attention that came from being pretty and charming. it took years for me to grow into my power. even now, i have moments of fear about being attacked, physically and or/psychically. i worry on behalf of my daughter, knowing that just being female means being a target of certain crimes and injustice.

it’s no wonder that for many years i distanced myself from anything too feminine. it just wasn’t safe.

is it safe now?

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the church of woman

February 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm (divine feminine, grace, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m not the most grateful gal in the world. i’ve been known to fret and fuss, fall into longing for what i don’t already have and throw a tantrum or two over unmet desires. sometimes it’s not about things but more about how i want to feel. it is the work of my life in some ways, to strip away the falsity and find satisfaction in the simplest of pleasures.

women are lusty creatures. we want more, more, more. the life force coursing through our bodies drives us to distraction sometimes. i know that men know this. it must be tough for them to weather the storms of female wanting.

so much spiritual philosophy has been geared toward the transcendence of desire and the transcendence of the body. as a woman, i find this offensive. how can a creature of the senses like me transcend the very seat of my power? why would the deity in the sky require me to subvert my nature to get closer to HIM.

i am the earth…can that be my religion? can love and passion and pain and procreation be my religion? must i force myself to stay in a space of gratitude and servitude when i feel like roaring across the sky? should i dim my light and limp around and pretend to be humble when my nature is so fierce?

if anything, i want my experience here to be more primal, more fully human. i want to get closer to nature even if it means discomfort and a loss of control. i want to be in harmony with the rhythms and cycles of nature. i want, want, want.

i put the judgment of wanting aside now. it is my nature after all.

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tantra

January 22, 2008 at 5:54 pm (archetype, divine feminine, exploration, power, sexuality)

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i studied tantra yoga for a while, back when i was single and carefree. i briefly considered becoming an instructor, though i doubted my abilities on many levels.

my intuition was validated at a tantra teacher’s training in hawaii. there were a lot of nuts in attendance and though i have a high tolerance for nuts, i quickly realized that any work involving sexuality would be rife with the wounded and the weird.

there were a bevy of young beauties in attendance, powerful, goddess-women. the men on the other hand, were older, wrinklier, and creepy. the inequity was so clear. we were studying the oldest profession in the world, legitimized and cased in spiritual terms. these lovely ladies were out to capitalize on their youth and sensual gifts. they were business women.

the men were just hoping for some touch.

in tantra, everything hinges on the woman. she is the force of divinity, the queen and priestess. it is the woman’s unending sexual energy that heals and opens the masculine. i saw men curled into little balls of infantile catatonia. i saw men open to archetypal forces greater than themselves. one man had the glazed eyes of an addict as he scheduled sessions with any woman able and willing to accept large sums of cash in exchange.

the truth is, i had natural talent for the work. i learned quickly, the arts and techniques of using sexual energy for healing. i loved the power behind it, but didn’t know how to cope with the revulsion. i battled moments of fear with certain men, fear of losing control, fear of their primal urges, fear of the rage that needed healing. It bothered me to be intimate with people i had no affection for or attraction to.

i saw how easy it would be to build a business of sensual massage and healing breathwork. i knew exactly what kind of client would come. MEN. divorced and lonely with plenty of disposable income. men who’d been roughed up by the angry american woman. the emasculated, beat down, affection craving, kinky old men. i liked these men but i didn’t want to take my clothes off for them.

all that grinding and panting and chanting started looking unhealthy. it was as if some carefully controlled energetic component was unleashed and though it may have been the best healing ever for the person in question, i found myself in retreat.

in the end, it was simply too unromantic for this lady. though i may be rough and tumble in the dark, when the light is blinding i retreat.

some things are sacred after all.

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witch

January 13, 2008 at 5:08 am (archetype, destruction, history, magic, power)

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when i was a young woman, i wanted to be a witch. i was desperately searching for an archetype that represented force, magic and mystery. the witch fit the bill for awhile. i bought books, burned candles and incense. i payed close attention to the cycles of the moon in order to capitalize on available power.

i learned a few simple spells, always to do with love. though i knew it was wrong to manipulate, i tried anyway. the last spell i cast was one of my own making. it involved fire and the burning of many names. it wasn’t just for me, it involved friends and associates.

looking back, my arrogance and innocence astounds me.

at the time, i was in love with a man i considered my soul mate. i wrote our names on a piece of paper and burned it, hoping to set us both free to love each other more deeply.

within a week, he slept with a girl from his past and i ended up in bed with one of his friends. in two days i went to the darkest space of hell i’d ever imagined. it was as if i had been tossed into a bottomless pit of pain.

all around me, established relationships crumbled and changed. everyone i had involved in the spell seemed out of control and crazy. affairs were exposed and people swapped partners. it was as if we were all trapped in a snowglobe; shaken, chaotic, blurry and COLD.

i never cast a spell again.

my lover moved on after we half-heartedly tried to put ourselves back together. i knew it was over when i saw him after a short trip and felt my heart sink into my stomach. we’re still in touch, for the love was great and powerful but i can now see that my spell accelerated a process that had to unfold. he was never meant to be mine.

the witch still haunts me but i manage to keep her at bay. my capacity for destruction is just too tempting to play with.

i feel a new archetype taking shape, but she remains unnamed…no longer a maiden, certainly a mother, moving towards crone…

and always a fallen woman.

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the night, the magic

January 9, 2008 at 3:37 am (divine feminine, magic, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m a night owl. i stay up late when i should be in bed, preparing for tomorrow. the night is the domain of woman. moonlight illuminates and creates spooky shadows. babies are born in the night when the world sleeps and threats are at bay. night, so quiet, gives ample time to ponder and pray.

take back the night…

the battle cry isn’t just about making the world safer for a woman to walk alone. it’s also about reclaiming and utilizing the power of woman. take back the night means owning our intuitive and empathic abilities. take back the night means being free to believe in mysteries and the power of magic spells. take back the night means allowing wisdom to come from unidentified, mystical sources. take back the night means resting in our emotions be they positive or negative. take back the night means celebrating sensuality, the body and nature. take back the night means relaxing into cycles that are bigger and more pure than our own ambitions.

i never left the night.

did you?

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