precocious

January 15, 2008 at 5:40 pm (daughters, love, mothering, physicality)

gk2105mother-and-child-detail-from-the-three-ages-of-woman-c-1905-posters.jpg

my daughter is intensity in motion. good natured and affectionate, she can also be slightly brutal when she wants her way. she pulls hair to show displeasure and in defense. she’s strong and capable and PRECOCIOUS.

i didn’t know if she was a boy or girl but late in the summer before she was born, one lone rose bloomed on the bush that flowers in spring. the little pink rose lasted for a week and my mother said it was a sign, our little girl announcing herself to the world.

birthing her was difficult. i was resistant to the pains of labor. i assumed that because i had given birth once before that it would be easy and quick. it seemed an eternity with slow progress. when the time came to push her out i experienced a primal fear. i felt certain that i couldn’t do it. she was big and got stuck and everyone panicked. i could see it all happening from somewhere slightly distant. there was a moment of wondering if i was going to be the woman whose baby died. just as i began to make peace with that possibility, she came sliding into the world.

i grieved her birth for it felt too rough. she cried for a week, her arm sore from tugging. she wouldn’t nurse and i was frightened. we found a groove eventually and her black hair grew into a mohawk. it stood straight up. she attracted attention from those closest to me and strangers as well. she has charisma.

i can see in her the complexity of woman. she is a dichotomy and a puzzle. she wakes in the night with a shriek, leaving me curious about what is haunting her. she is physical and unafraid, a climber and a talker. i know she has a message for the world, though it is yet to be articulated.

my mother’s mother calls her precocious. coming from a woman who gave birth to seven children, i think the label is appropriate. i wait patiently and expectantly as she unfolds.

Advertisements

Permalink 6 Comments

aging to new beauty?

December 28, 2007 at 10:52 pm (beauty, mystique, physicality, reflection, sexuality)

YOUNG GIRLS…ENJOY THE BLOOM OF YOUTH…IT FADES TO SOMETHING DEEPER AND MORE PROFOUND YET LESS VISIBLE…

collierguinevere1.jpg

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about aging. i never thought it would bother me. it’s not that it bothers me exactly but when i see the quality of my skin and how it’s changing, i realize that the beauty of youth is quickly leaving me.

i’ve never been incredibly good looking, but i had at one time a pretty hot little body and enough charisma to make up for being a little rough around the edges. i come from peasant stock and as such, have the unrefined features of a field worker.

ok, maybe i’m being too hard on myself. there were a handful of time periods in my life where i got plenty of male attention. i looked good in my tight little outfits and had really beautiful hair. now i see that the beauty i had is fading. i’m relieved that i wasn’t too invested in my looks. i can see now how painful it would be to lose that if it meant a lot.

honestly, i found it strange to be adored for my body and looks. i was always suspicious of it and slightly insulted. i’ve always wanted to be known more for who i am than what the outer shell looks like. secretly i loved the attention. and i especially loved being cruel to those who favored me with it.

now that it’s all gone, i wonder if i appreciated it enough. isn’t that the way of life though?

we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone?

Permalink 3 Comments