the church of woman

February 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm (divine feminine, grace, mystery, passion, power)

nr653birth-of-venus-posters.jpg

i’m not the most grateful gal in the world. i’ve been known to fret and fuss, fall into longing for what i don’t already have and throw a tantrum or two over unmet desires. sometimes it’s not about things but more about how i want to feel. it is the work of my life in some ways, to strip away the falsity and find satisfaction in the simplest of pleasures.

women are lusty creatures. we want more, more, more. the life force coursing through our bodies drives us to distraction sometimes. i know that men know this. it must be tough for them to weather the storms of female wanting.

so much spiritual philosophy has been geared toward the transcendence of desire and the transcendence of the body. as a woman, i find this offensive. how can a creature of the senses like me transcend the very seat of my power? why would the deity in the sky require me to subvert my nature to get closer to HIM.

i am the earth…can that be my religion? can love and passion and pain and procreation be my religion? must i force myself to stay in a space of gratitude and servitude when i feel like roaring across the sky? should i dim my light and limp around and pretend to be humble when my nature is so fierce?

if anything, i want my experience here to be more primal, more fully human. i want to get closer to nature even if it means discomfort and a loss of control. i want to be in harmony with the rhythms and cycles of nature. i want, want, want.

i put the judgment of wanting aside now. it is my nature after all.

Permalink 3 Comments

the night, the magic

January 9, 2008 at 3:37 am (divine feminine, magic, mystery, passion, power)

gn0379zodiac-posters.jpg

i’m a night owl. i stay up late when i should be in bed, preparing for tomorrow. the night is the domain of woman. moonlight illuminates and creates spooky shadows. babies are born in the night when the world sleeps and threats are at bay. night, so quiet, gives ample time to ponder and pray.

take back the night…

the battle cry isn’t just about making the world safer for a woman to walk alone. it’s also about reclaiming and utilizing the power of woman. take back the night means owning our intuitive and empathic abilities. take back the night means being free to believe in mysteries and the power of magic spells. take back the night means allowing wisdom to come from unidentified, mystical sources. take back the night means resting in our emotions be they positive or negative. take back the night means celebrating sensuality, the body and nature. take back the night means relaxing into cycles that are bigger and more pure than our own ambitions.

i never left the night.

did you?

Permalink 7 Comments

the missed kiss

January 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm (destruction, history, longing, passion, reflection)

10078774ala-belle-dame-sans-merci-posters.jpg

a friend of mine sent me an article about a boy i used to know. now he’s a man and a successful one. the article had a picture of him in the bathroom with his wife and two children. one babe was in the bath, the other on his lap.

this boy, i had a mad crush on. the first time i saw him, i looked up and he was staring at me intently. Then he gave me a big, beautiful smile and i felt a shock of energy go through my body. it was intense and unfamiliar. i remember scowling at him which has always been a natural reaction when something surprising happens in my world.

that little shock of energy was like a mad seed that burrowed down inside me and started to grow. i found myself suddenly shy and unable to glance his way. i liked to look at him when he wasn’t paying attention. he was a very handsome boy…much too handsome for me. i’ve always liked my men less than pretty.

fate kept throwing us together. we had similar interests and crossed paths often. as other boys came in and out of my life, i learned to relax more with this one. we met to study and chat, though it became quickly clear to me that if he really knew me, knew the details of my life, that he would disapprove. i was out of control at the time, a charming mess.

the real shock came when i realized he had a mad crush on me as well. i felt an absolute sense of dread. my heart turned cold. i was slightly rude and quietly mocked his attempts to seduce me.

i don’t know why.

he hung in there, but the more favor he showed me the more i pulled away. in time he ended up with a girl who was heartbreakingly beautiful. i felt justified for i knew i wasn’t the right girl for him…too wild, too rough, too abusive toward myself and anyone who chose to care for me.

still, i wondered what it would have been like to kiss him.

the more time passes, the more i miss the kiss.

Permalink 3 Comments

across the tracks

January 3, 2008 at 11:58 pm (destruction, exploration, history, mystique, passion)

00213008.jpg

the phrase fallen woman implies there’s been some bad behavior somewhere in the past that is almost impossible to recover from. in my case, i’m only a fallen woman in my inner world. there could very well be some people out there who view me as morally corrupt, but if there are, they aren’t brave enough to tell me.

i spent some time in new orleans at one point. it was a time of exploration and play. i knew it was temporary which allowed me to push the boundaries. i was obsessed with the wrong guy, stayed up late drinking every night and felt very, very charged up.

i loved it and it took me a long time to come back from the story i created and lived there. it was one of the most beautiful and wretched time periods of my life. i behaved badly and relished it. i gave myself permission to do whatever i wanted, letting my own demons take flight. i watched in fascination as i transformed from wall flower to hot house flower.

i still dream of the city; steamy, dark and fecund. i’m trying to cross the train tracks to get to my favorite 9th ward bar, but for some reason i can never get across. either there’s a train literally blocking me or there are distractions before i even get to the tracks.

always trying to get to the other side of the tracks…the dark, primal side of life where our desires run rampant and there’s no restraint.

sometimes in my clean incarnation here and now, i miss the sweaty heaven of my 9th ward madness.

Permalink 2 Comments

welcome

December 26, 2007 at 9:18 pm (beginnings, exploration, mystery, passion, reflection)

xgk_2125_bwater-serpents-ii-c-1907-detail-posters.jpg

my new space for ultra-self-indulgent drivel.

so luscious…

Permalink Leave a Comment