married to my lovey

March 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm (history, love, mystery)

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i never wanted to get married. it just wasn’t part of the plan. i met my husband right after 9/11 and for some reason i felt open to the idea for the first time. i was getting older and in some ways was in a bit of a rut.

within a week i knew we were going to get married. it was the weirdest thing.

he’s not like the other boys…he was immediately honest and open about his feelings. he let me know he was attracted to me. i had been used to chasing the impossible and his frank approach was refreshing and some what discombobulating.

he was a little better looking than most of my lads. strong and fit, though we’ve both gotten a little softer since…

the truth is, i’m not the best wife. i have wild mood swings and a terrible temper. i push him to be bigger and better and it’s not always nice. i’m so busy fighting to keep my family safe that i forget the poor guy.

i want him to be the king but he often plays the knave around here.

this is as close to a love letter as i can get, not being much for romantic sentiment outside my rich interior world.

here’s to you lovey.

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house on fire

February 7, 2008 at 10:32 am (destruction, grace, mystery, reflection)

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the house next door caught on fire the other night. at first, i didn’t think much about the sirens, since i live a block away from the fire station and hear the trucks all day long. then i realized they were crowding the street in front of my house.

then i smelled the smoke.

the house next door is ten feet from mine. i live in a dense, urban area. i looked out the window and saw gray smoke rolling out of the basement windows and creeping out of the cracks in the windows upstairs. i started feeling panicky as i heard the firemen smashing windows and talking on their radios.

i never saw flames.

the smell of smoke built up for a while. i worried about my sleeping children and wondered if we would have to leave. these houses are old and made of brick, so i wasn’t too worried about the fire spreading. it crossed my mind but i put that thought quickly aside. fortunately the wind was blowing the smoke away from us and we were able to get some fresh, cold air from the south side.

no one was hurt. no one lives there. the house has been sitting empty for almost two years. our former neighbors got a “great deal” in the suburbs and moved away. they were unable to sell the remaining house though and it slipped into foreclosure. someone had just purchased it and was starting to renovate. now it’s a burned out shell.

i was just starting to make peace with the idea that we were going to give up the dream of a simpler, more natural life. i was beginning to commit to living in the city and tolerating the intensity of sound, smell and other stimulation. my dream of the small town with a more relaxed lifestyle was fading and the THE HOUSE BURNS?

don’t get me wrong. i am so grateful that no one was hurt and that things are relatively fine but i was excited about the renovation. excited at the possibility that there would be an improvement to the neighborhood, that someone finally cared about the old beauty. now i wonder what will happen. will it sit there empty and burned, continuing a vortex of energy that never gets resolved?

what does it all mean? is it an omen? am i supposed to make meaning out of it?

maybe there is no meaning…just a random, life-changing event for someone else.

i wish i knew.

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the church of woman

February 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm (divine feminine, grace, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m not the most grateful gal in the world. i’ve been known to fret and fuss, fall into longing for what i don’t already have and throw a tantrum or two over unmet desires. sometimes it’s not about things but more about how i want to feel. it is the work of my life in some ways, to strip away the falsity and find satisfaction in the simplest of pleasures.

women are lusty creatures. we want more, more, more. the life force coursing through our bodies drives us to distraction sometimes. i know that men know this. it must be tough for them to weather the storms of female wanting.

so much spiritual philosophy has been geared toward the transcendence of desire and the transcendence of the body. as a woman, i find this offensive. how can a creature of the senses like me transcend the very seat of my power? why would the deity in the sky require me to subvert my nature to get closer to HIM.

i am the earth…can that be my religion? can love and passion and pain and procreation be my religion? must i force myself to stay in a space of gratitude and servitude when i feel like roaring across the sky? should i dim my light and limp around and pretend to be humble when my nature is so fierce?

if anything, i want my experience here to be more primal, more fully human. i want to get closer to nature even if it means discomfort and a loss of control. i want to be in harmony with the rhythms and cycles of nature. i want, want, want.

i put the judgment of wanting aside now. it is my nature after all.

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the night, the magic

January 9, 2008 at 3:37 am (divine feminine, magic, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m a night owl. i stay up late when i should be in bed, preparing for tomorrow. the night is the domain of woman. moonlight illuminates and creates spooky shadows. babies are born in the night when the world sleeps and threats are at bay. night, so quiet, gives ample time to ponder and pray.

take back the night…

the battle cry isn’t just about making the world safer for a woman to walk alone. it’s also about reclaiming and utilizing the power of woman. take back the night means owning our intuitive and empathic abilities. take back the night means being free to believe in mysteries and the power of magic spells. take back the night means allowing wisdom to come from unidentified, mystical sources. take back the night means resting in our emotions be they positive or negative. take back the night means celebrating sensuality, the body and nature. take back the night means relaxing into cycles that are bigger and more pure than our own ambitions.

i never left the night.

did you?

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welcome

December 26, 2007 at 9:18 pm (beginnings, exploration, mystery, passion, reflection)

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my new space for ultra-self-indulgent drivel.

so luscious…

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