the irony

July 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm (grace, magic)

feeling better now. thanks for the amazing comments! i can’t believe anyone actually visits here anymore…

i have a job that requires me to be positive and compassionate in the face of suffering. i have to say, i’m really good at it. i think the people i work with would be shocked at the level of my own inner turmoil. it’s IRONIC.

i love my business, but i find myself longing for something more predictable, a fresh challenge. i’m contemplating getting more education and trying something new. i’m certain i could continue with my business on the side and that it would actually be a lot more fulfilling if i weren’t so conscious of the quotas and goals i need to make to support the family.

it’s so easy to slip away from gratitude and into a space of lack. it’s way too easy for me personally.

on a lighter note, i adopted a cat. her name is rose and we have done some amazing bonding today. she was lost in my basement for awhile, but i dreamt about her last night, went down there this morning and got her. she’s now creeping around the midnight house, getting to know the place.

i hope she will be happy with us. i’m so ready to love her! i know rose will bring some magic to the house.

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spring is on the way

March 20, 2008 at 11:21 am (beginnings, magic)

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spring is coming. i can see it in the way the light is shifting. i love it when the earth explodes back into color.

we’ve had the flu at my house. what a nightmare! the tots would just sit and cry a cry i never heard before. it’s the sick cry of a body aching and tired and sweaty. it’s as if they knew there was no way out of it.

we’re still on the tail end of it which means a lot of sleep interruptions and restlessness.

still i see the life force churning and turning behind the scenes as spring begins her descent. i can even smell the lovely earth waking up as little bulbs push through.

what a relief!

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fading vision

January 31, 2008 at 2:41 pm (beauty, innocence, longing, magic)

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i need to see the magic in the world. it’s not a desire, it’s a need.

it was easier as a child. i didn’t just see it, i felt it.

when i was younger i believed in the inherent goodness of people. i felt strongly that when people behaved badly, they were undoubtedly guilty and repentant.

growing up on fairy tales and the happily ever after colored my view of the world. i was sure that in the end, all would work out no matter what obstacles appeared. i felt that all people truly wanted to work together to create harmony. i believed that we all wanted peace and the protection of the earth.

now i’m not so sure…

i find myself tipping into cynicism. i see the selfishness and the pillaging. i see subtle slights and terrible injustices and wonder about the true nature of the human being. we are warm blooded, we need each other to survive and yet there is a murderous streak in many of us.

still, i need to see the magic. if my sense of the magic left me, i would be lost. i too would slip into bad behavior, taking what i want when i want it with no second thoughts.

luckily, the magic hasn’t left…it’s just my sight that’s blurry.

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life, the way i want it

January 27, 2008 at 11:33 pm (beauty, longing, magic, simplicity)

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i want to live simply. i want to feel safe. i want the children to prosper and have opportunity. i want the luxury and beauty of the earth all around.

i dream of living in a place where the air is still fragrant. i dream of innocence and friendly neighbors. i dream of children playing together with the adults loosely watching. i dream of sunny mornings and the dappled shade of trees…afternoon naps under fluffy, soft blankets. i dream of gathering with friends and their children, raucous dinner parties with wine flowing freely.

i want to move more slowly and feel my life as i’m moving through it. i want to shift from doing to being and i’m not sure i know how.

the city i live in is the city i was raised in. it is sprawling and intense and still growing. i remember the wide open spaces that used to surround the city. it felt like an island, far from either coast. a city surrounded by vast fields that went from spring green, to burnt yellow, to crumbling brown, to snow swept and scoured and back again.

i was desperate to leave when i turned eighteen and leave i did. i lived in other cities where high culture ruled and people were well dressed and savvy. places where music and art and alternative thinking thrived. i lived on both coasts and spots in between but i always came home. i never felt at peace anywhere else, always the gypsy on the way to the next place.

i’m looking for a new home. there’s no rush, no need to hurry but i’m looking.

my fear is that finding the perfect spot won’t solve the riddle. it is my inner world that needs healing. the simplicity i crave must be created in the shadows and haunts of my heart and soul…the beauty i crave uncovered in the caverns i created.

still it would be nice to wake up to pure, earth magic which seems to be dwindling where i am.

is the dream viable? or just a fantasy to sooth me when sleep is elusive?

we shall see…

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witch

January 13, 2008 at 5:08 am (archetype, destruction, history, magic, power)

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when i was a young woman, i wanted to be a witch. i was desperately searching for an archetype that represented force, magic and mystery. the witch fit the bill for awhile. i bought books, burned candles and incense. i payed close attention to the cycles of the moon in order to capitalize on available power.

i learned a few simple spells, always to do with love. though i knew it was wrong to manipulate, i tried anyway. the last spell i cast was one of my own making. it involved fire and the burning of many names. it wasn’t just for me, it involved friends and associates.

looking back, my arrogance and innocence astounds me.

at the time, i was in love with a man i considered my soul mate. i wrote our names on a piece of paper and burned it, hoping to set us both free to love each other more deeply.

within a week, he slept with a girl from his past and i ended up in bed with one of his friends. in two days i went to the darkest space of hell i’d ever imagined. it was as if i had been tossed into a bottomless pit of pain.

all around me, established relationships crumbled and changed. everyone i had involved in the spell seemed out of control and crazy. affairs were exposed and people swapped partners. it was as if we were all trapped in a snowglobe; shaken, chaotic, blurry and COLD.

i never cast a spell again.

my lover moved on after we half-heartedly tried to put ourselves back together. i knew it was over when i saw him after a short trip and felt my heart sink into my stomach. we’re still in touch, for the love was great and powerful but i can now see that my spell accelerated a process that had to unfold. he was never meant to be mine.

the witch still haunts me but i manage to keep her at bay. my capacity for destruction is just too tempting to play with.

i feel a new archetype taking shape, but she remains unnamed…no longer a maiden, certainly a mother, moving towards crone…

and always a fallen woman.

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the night, the magic

January 9, 2008 at 3:37 am (divine feminine, magic, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m a night owl. i stay up late when i should be in bed, preparing for tomorrow. the night is the domain of woman. moonlight illuminates and creates spooky shadows. babies are born in the night when the world sleeps and threats are at bay. night, so quiet, gives ample time to ponder and pray.

take back the night…

the battle cry isn’t just about making the world safer for a woman to walk alone. it’s also about reclaiming and utilizing the power of woman. take back the night means owning our intuitive and empathic abilities. take back the night means being free to believe in mysteries and the power of magic spells. take back the night means allowing wisdom to come from unidentified, mystical sources. take back the night means resting in our emotions be they positive or negative. take back the night means celebrating sensuality, the body and nature. take back the night means relaxing into cycles that are bigger and more pure than our own ambitions.

i never left the night.

did you?

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reflections

December 26, 2007 at 10:26 pm (beginnings, destruction, divine feminine, exploration, magic)

the tempest

hmmmm, the launch of my secret blog…the place to confess, repent, reflect.

being a woman is being inherently flawed. to be precise…being human is being inherently flawed…or is it?

the thing about femininity i find difficult is the body, the sensuality, the madness, the desire to love and spawn and contain. none of this has felt natural to me and yet i’ve done it.

i’ve loved the wrong people and loved doing it. i’ve had way too much to drink and smoke. i’m driven by impulses to be destructive toward myself and others. i’ve relished the loss of reputation.

and so it begins…

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