married to my lovey

March 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm (history, love, mystery)

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i never wanted to get married. it just wasn’t part of the plan. i met my husband right after 9/11 and for some reason i felt open to the idea for the first time. i was getting older and in some ways was in a bit of a rut.

within a week i knew we were going to get married. it was the weirdest thing.

he’s not like the other boys…he was immediately honest and open about his feelings. he let me know he was attracted to me. i had been used to chasing the impossible and his frank approach was refreshing and some what discombobulating.

he was a little better looking than most of my lads. strong and fit, though we’ve both gotten a little softer since…

the truth is, i’m not the best wife. i have wild mood swings and a terrible temper. i push him to be bigger and better and it’s not always nice. i’m so busy fighting to keep my family safe that i forget the poor guy.

i want him to be the king but he often plays the knave around here.

this is as close to a love letter as i can get, not being much for romantic sentiment outside my rich interior world.

here’s to you lovey.

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baby moon

February 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm (divine feminine, friendship, love, mothering)

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i went to a baby shower recently. i didn’t feel like going…i never do. i’m a hermit by nature and have to force myself out. fortunately, i’ve developed the ability to talk to anyone about anything and have enough charisma to make it charming and fun.

i was glad to honor my friend. it has been her dream to be a mother, long before it ever occurred to me. she suffered greatly to get here. even now, she’s facing an uncertain future with the father of the baby who refuses to move out of the home he lives in, deep in the mountains. he refuses to compromise in order to honor his partner and child.

oh well…at least she’s getting her baby. at 40 years old, she might not get another chance.

the baby shower was lovely. we played silly games, trying to guess the inches of the pregnant belly. we cooed over the little clothes and blankets. i couldn’t help thinking that my friend has no idea about what she is being initiated into. i didn’t know before i had my children.

a world of love and worry. a world of chaos and exhaustion. a lonely world at times.

we had a moment of prayer for the mom to be. i found myself hoping my dear friend would have an easy labor and birth. i hoped she could manifest more support than i did. i hoped that she would have time to rest with her newborn while others handled mundane daily details for her. i hoped she could create and relax into a lovely baby moon.

i also hoped that i could get myself together to offer her the support i longed for after giving birth.

we shall see…

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precocious

January 15, 2008 at 5:40 pm (daughters, love, mothering, physicality)

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my daughter is intensity in motion. good natured and affectionate, she can also be slightly brutal when she wants her way. she pulls hair to show displeasure and in defense. she’s strong and capable and PRECOCIOUS.

i didn’t know if she was a boy or girl but late in the summer before she was born, one lone rose bloomed on the bush that flowers in spring. the little pink rose lasted for a week and my mother said it was a sign, our little girl announcing herself to the world.

birthing her was difficult. i was resistant to the pains of labor. i assumed that because i had given birth once before that it would be easy and quick. it seemed an eternity with slow progress. when the time came to push her out i experienced a primal fear. i felt certain that i couldn’t do it. she was big and got stuck and everyone panicked. i could see it all happening from somewhere slightly distant. there was a moment of wondering if i was going to be the woman whose baby died. just as i began to make peace with that possibility, she came sliding into the world.

i grieved her birth for it felt too rough. she cried for a week, her arm sore from tugging. she wouldn’t nurse and i was frightened. we found a groove eventually and her black hair grew into a mohawk. it stood straight up. she attracted attention from those closest to me and strangers as well. she has charisma.

i can see in her the complexity of woman. she is a dichotomy and a puzzle. she wakes in the night with a shriek, leaving me curious about what is haunting her. she is physical and unafraid, a climber and a talker. i know she has a message for the world, though it is yet to be articulated.

my mother’s mother calls her precocious. coming from a woman who gave birth to seven children, i think the label is appropriate. i wait patiently and expectantly as she unfolds.

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mothering

December 31, 2007 at 11:52 pm (divine feminine, innocence, love, mothering, reflection)

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i have two small children and i love them dearly. i wish i were more patient and focused on them.

i’ve always been a bit of a hermit, a private person. naturally, it’s tough for me to handle the chaos and demands that children bring. i am ashamed that i’m not better at the job.

i recently went back to work full time after spending three years with my son and one year with my daughter. it has been incredibly energizing to have a business to build. still, i feel some regret that i’m not one of those lovely mothers who is happy to care for the children all day, coming up with fun craft projects and trips to the park and the zoo.

i’ve found it difficult to bond with other mothers and women in general. there’s a thread of competition that seems to run through my interactions with other mothers and i’m always on the losing end. i find it amusing most of the time. i’m one of those people who wants to shout to the world I’M HUMAN…I’M A MESS AND I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

there is some truth to this. i’ve been told that i’m incredibly accepting of others’ faults (though my husband would beg to differ). in my own internal world, i am mean as a snake in my self-reflective glory. i know what my potential is and i’m not there AT ALL. i’m not even trying.

that’s why the parenting haunts me a bit. i know i could do better and i just don’t.

still, they love me and i love them. i am so very very grateful they are here to help me become more of who i’m meant to be. bless them for this thankless task.

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