affair

September 13, 2008 at 12:24 pm (beauty, friendship, history, longing, sexuality)

i feel like having an affair.  a passionate, secret fling.  i want to kiss someone whose kisses make me dizzy and soft.

the thing is, there is no one around to have an affair with…

i’m also not interested in getting a divorce or creating (more) disharmony with my spouse.

i tend to be the kind of woman who can tolerate intense amounts of sexual interest and attraction without giving in.  i am a portrait of restraint.  i can’t tell you how many times i said no to opportunity…mostly by pretending there was none.

i just want to feel awake again.  i want to feel my body come to life and i want the newness of a new lover.  i want something rousing and gripping and stirring to pour myself into.

i dreamt about an old lover last night.  we were kissing and melting and riding the bus all over town.  the thing is, that particular lover was not one of my favorites.  we were friends who slept together during a time when we were both angry and hurt about the failure of other, more important relationships.

we’ve managed to stay in touch loosely and though our love was not a great, soul shaking experience, there remains a tenderness and a longing.  i think we both felt like we met up at the wrong time and valued each other despite the awkwardness of our pairing.

the last time i saw him, he was living with his future wife.  we met up for drinks with some of the other boys we used to know.  i was wearing a hat and i remember in one sweet moment he asked if i’d take the hat off.  i had beautiful hair then, before it got wiry and silver streaked…

i was shocked by the request because it told me something about him.  he was still holding me in a special place of beauty in his heart.  our friends shuffled awkwardly (it was as if they knew this man was still carrying a torch for me to my own surprise and slight discomfort).  i pulled the hat off and felt sorry knowing that my shiny, wavy locks weren’t as pretty in that moment as they had the potential to be, or as they once were.

that was it.  we drove down to the beach in the dark and ran around before the boys deposited me back at the place i was staying.  there might have been an opportunity for more that night.  in fact, looking back there were many opportunities for more with this particular guy, but always i held the space of NO.

now i wonder why i’ve always been such a naysayer when it comes to sex.  it’s not that i don’t enjoy it.

don’t worry…i’m not going to have an affair.  for one thing there’s no one around and for another, it goes against my sense of what’s right and noble.

but still, i find myself daydreaming about it and this man in particular…

i wonder if he dreams about me too, with the long mane that was once my crowing glory.  if he does it may be because i stopped it and refused to indulge.  after all those are the ones i still think of the most.  the ones i didn’t have.

Permalink 1 Comment

retreat in the woods

March 22, 2008 at 9:25 pm (beauty, history, innocence, longing, simplicity)

7272dogwood-posters.jpg

i don’t know what it is about this painting…

it reminds me of places i visited as a child. my grandmother had a small cabin in the woods by a river. i used to love to visit her there. the smell of the mountain air so fresh and crisp, and the smell of her big fluffy quilts packed away in the winter.

i was scared to sleep there. it was very dark at night and i could here the hum of the generator, tucked into bed with one of my brothers and a small dog.

my family sold the land when i was still small. i remember how depressed my father was and find myself wondering why they did it. i think my mother wanted some spending money.

now with my own children i find myself pining over that little cabin. it would be so wonderful to have a place like that to retreat to. i would love to take the kids up to the mountains to pick wild flowers and wade in the ice cold river.

i think my parents are so foolish to have cast off such beauty without thought for the future. it’s one of many things i grieve more intensely as i age.

lately i wonder if i’m one of those people who’s going to be marked with bitterness over choices i made, how casually i passed on opportunities to be bigger and better.  will i carry a dark heart forever when i think of my family and the squandered legacy?

it could be that i’m tired as anyone with small children tends to be. the state of our country is so depressing right now. i look for a place to retreat to and find nothing. i’ve been following the election, hoping that maybe someone can get in there and make this place better. the whole thing is so ugly, i can’t look anymore.

did i mention i grew up in a very political family? it left me with a terrible attitude about the whole dirty business. children who are pushed to adult matters sometimes get turned off for a long time. others take on the family business. i guess i’m coming back into involvement slowly.

nature seems the place of purity, far from the manipulations of men. now when i go to nature, i stay in uncomfortable hotels, trying to relax and remember why i came.

oh for a little cabin in the woods!  maybe more than the cabin, i’m longing for a purity of heart, the belief that people are good and there is enough for all of us.

someday, i’ll make my fortune and the first thing i’m going to do is find my little retreat…humble and sweet, a tiny patch of heaven in the middle of nowhere.  that’s my bliss.

Permalink 3 Comments

the legacy

February 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm (beauty, history, longing, wealth)

3342out-of-the-fire-posters.jpg

when i was a young girl, my grandparents owned a lovely old, adobe home in the hondo valley. over the years, they expanded on the house and it became very, very lush. it was beautiful beyond belief, not just the house and furnishings, the incredible hondo valley.

visiting this magical place was a treat for my brothers and i. there were lavish parties and gifts galore. it was the height my grandparent’s wealth and success. still it was lonely. there was nothing to do there but play outside which was more rewarding for my brothers who liked to fish and hunt.

at some point, my grandfather who fancied himself some kind of modern, american king, imported peacocks to roam the property. in my memory, i still hear their aching calls and see them in languid pose. i used to roam around looking for discarded feathers, the beautiful blue and green eyes were treasured. as an adult, i learned that the peacocks were picked off by coyotes one by one. their lives were difficult in the valley. the importing of peacocks had been vain and unrealistic.

my grandfather passed away about 6 weeks ago. though he lived a long and by all accounts a good life, i find myself feeling a mixture of feelings about him.

he was the kind of person that could sit with you calmly, seemingly relaxed but a million miles away. his mind was racing, racing, racing. i often felt invisible around him. he half-payed attention.

he was selfish, creating an empire and letting it crumble to nothing. if only he had told us all not to expect anything. instead, my mother and her siblings are riddled with depression and a seeming lack of direction. their expectations of inherited wealth clipped their wings and kept them in competition for the great patriarch’s approval.

the hondo valley house was sold long ago to pay off the mountain of debt that had accumulated. i dream of it often. the lovely, crystal blue swimming pool that i can never get to. that pool seems to be symbolic of the abundance and magic my grandfather created and destroyed all in the course of one life.

i loved him and i see my tendency to be like him when my mind is racing, racing, racing…always working out ways to make my business stronger.

i have no hope (or desire) of recapturing the level of his creation, but i do want the beauty he was so fortunate to experience. the beautiful lines of an old adobe, the green lushness of a fertile valley in the desert, peacocks drifting across the lawn.

hopefully in the version i create, the coyotes will be kept safely at bay.

Permalink 2 Comments

fading vision

January 31, 2008 at 2:41 pm (beauty, innocence, longing, magic)

10100736afairy-on-a-spider-s-web-posters.jpg

i need to see the magic in the world. it’s not a desire, it’s a need.

it was easier as a child. i didn’t just see it, i felt it.

when i was younger i believed in the inherent goodness of people. i felt strongly that when people behaved badly, they were undoubtedly guilty and repentant.

growing up on fairy tales and the happily ever after colored my view of the world. i was sure that in the end, all would work out no matter what obstacles appeared. i felt that all people truly wanted to work together to create harmony. i believed that we all wanted peace and the protection of the earth.

now i’m not so sure…

i find myself tipping into cynicism. i see the selfishness and the pillaging. i see subtle slights and terrible injustices and wonder about the true nature of the human being. we are warm blooded, we need each other to survive and yet there is a murderous streak in many of us.

still, i need to see the magic. if my sense of the magic left me, i would be lost. i too would slip into bad behavior, taking what i want when i want it with no second thoughts.

luckily, the magic hasn’t left…it’s just my sight that’s blurry.

Permalink 8 Comments

life, the way i want it

January 27, 2008 at 11:33 pm (beauty, longing, magic, simplicity)

309248aclose-up-of-nautilus-shell-spirals-posters.jpg

i want to live simply. i want to feel safe. i want the children to prosper and have opportunity. i want the luxury and beauty of the earth all around.

i dream of living in a place where the air is still fragrant. i dream of innocence and friendly neighbors. i dream of children playing together with the adults loosely watching. i dream of sunny mornings and the dappled shade of trees…afternoon naps under fluffy, soft blankets. i dream of gathering with friends and their children, raucous dinner parties with wine flowing freely.

i want to move more slowly and feel my life as i’m moving through it. i want to shift from doing to being and i’m not sure i know how.

the city i live in is the city i was raised in. it is sprawling and intense and still growing. i remember the wide open spaces that used to surround the city. it felt like an island, far from either coast. a city surrounded by vast fields that went from spring green, to burnt yellow, to crumbling brown, to snow swept and scoured and back again.

i was desperate to leave when i turned eighteen and leave i did. i lived in other cities where high culture ruled and people were well dressed and savvy. places where music and art and alternative thinking thrived. i lived on both coasts and spots in between but i always came home. i never felt at peace anywhere else, always the gypsy on the way to the next place.

i’m looking for a new home. there’s no rush, no need to hurry but i’m looking.

my fear is that finding the perfect spot won’t solve the riddle. it is my inner world that needs healing. the simplicity i crave must be created in the shadows and haunts of my heart and soul…the beauty i crave uncovered in the caverns i created.

still it would be nice to wake up to pure, earth magic which seems to be dwindling where i am.

is the dream viable? or just a fantasy to sooth me when sleep is elusive?

we shall see…

Permalink 6 Comments

the missed kiss

January 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm (destruction, history, longing, passion, reflection)

10078774ala-belle-dame-sans-merci-posters.jpg

a friend of mine sent me an article about a boy i used to know. now he’s a man and a successful one. the article had a picture of him in the bathroom with his wife and two children. one babe was in the bath, the other on his lap.

this boy, i had a mad crush on. the first time i saw him, i looked up and he was staring at me intently. Then he gave me a big, beautiful smile and i felt a shock of energy go through my body. it was intense and unfamiliar. i remember scowling at him which has always been a natural reaction when something surprising happens in my world.

that little shock of energy was like a mad seed that burrowed down inside me and started to grow. i found myself suddenly shy and unable to glance his way. i liked to look at him when he wasn’t paying attention. he was a very handsome boy…much too handsome for me. i’ve always liked my men less than pretty.

fate kept throwing us together. we had similar interests and crossed paths often. as other boys came in and out of my life, i learned to relax more with this one. we met to study and chat, though it became quickly clear to me that if he really knew me, knew the details of my life, that he would disapprove. i was out of control at the time, a charming mess.

the real shock came when i realized he had a mad crush on me as well. i felt an absolute sense of dread. my heart turned cold. i was slightly rude and quietly mocked his attempts to seduce me.

i don’t know why.

he hung in there, but the more favor he showed me the more i pulled away. in time he ended up with a girl who was heartbreakingly beautiful. i felt justified for i knew i wasn’t the right girl for him…too wild, too rough, too abusive toward myself and anyone who chose to care for me.

still, i wondered what it would have been like to kiss him.

the more time passes, the more i miss the kiss.

Permalink 3 Comments