the irony

July 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm (grace, magic)

feeling better now. thanks for the amazing comments! i can’t believe anyone actually visits here anymore…

i have a job that requires me to be positive and compassionate in the face of suffering. i have to say, i’m really good at it. i think the people i work with would be shocked at the level of my own inner turmoil. it’s IRONIC.

i love my business, but i find myself longing for something more predictable, a fresh challenge. i’m contemplating getting more education and trying something new. i’m certain i could continue with my business on the side and that it would actually be a lot more fulfilling if i weren’t so conscious of the quotas and goals i need to make to support the family.

it’s so easy to slip away from gratitude and into a space of lack. it’s way too easy for me personally.

on a lighter note, i adopted a cat. her name is rose and we have done some amazing bonding today. she was lost in my basement for awhile, but i dreamt about her last night, went down there this morning and got her. she’s now creeping around the midnight house, getting to know the place.

i hope she will be happy with us. i’m so ready to love her! i know rose will bring some magic to the house.

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layers

February 25, 2008 at 3:45 pm (grace, innocence, mothering, simplicity)

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layers of meaning, layers of moments. the complexity of life is astounding. my feelings shift quickly from a moment of gratitude to a deep lament.

i want so much for myself and my family. i feel the intensity inside, a fire burning, burning. i want to relish this short life despite the complications and annoyances and struggles.

when i was younger i wore crazy clothing…layers of velvet and satin. i ran about in the wee hours sweaty and stained, starving for more. those layers of old fabric sticking to my skin, concealing a black heart.

my self absorption was legendary. there was room for no one else in my narrative. i wrote the play of my life and cast all the players. i never let them break from their prescribed roles.

how unfair is that?

now i want safety. i want rest and comfort. i want peace for my children. i’m still selfish as hell. it’s a constant battle to put aside my pettiness.

the layers i work with now are the layers of protection i place around the tots. the prayers for safety and prosperity. the layers of meaning i need the children to understand so they can grow up and navigate the world with some degree of effectiveness.

i layer them in alternating emotional responses; love, annoyance, impatience, celebration, play, disapproval, and on and on.

they are bundled up for better or worse in the concept of reality i created for them. someday they will free themselves to write their own stories.

where will i be then?

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my own oasis

February 9, 2008 at 2:08 pm (beauty, grace, innocence, simplicity)

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friends, i’m tired. how i wish i could curl up like a cat and nap the day away. it’s been a long time since i had such a luxury!

i used to live in a little, old house with big rooms. there was a wonderful tree in the front yard. it was over a hundred years old, the biggest tree on the block. i loved to look out the window at the big old tree. the western sunlight would glitter off the leaves and the breeze in the branches made a sweet rustling sound.

the house was a shrine to comfort and beauty. it was an oasis and a retreat for me and me alone. i hardly ever had visitors. i didn’t know the neighbors…didn’t want to. my bedroom was in the front and i used to rest in bed with a pile of books and that shimmering tree out front. i felt safe under the canopy of that great beauty.

i would get sleepy from reading and drift off. it was a lovely time in my life. the absolute quiet and the delicious freedom of being bound to no one now seems incredibly seductive. of course at the time i remember being lonely and concerned that the future was stretching out before me with no surprises in store.

things changed when my future husband moved in.

he is a friendly guy and quickly met everyone on the block. my anonymity was slipping away and i gladly gave it over. i didn’t want to be alone anymore. the naps fell by the wayside as our different schedules meshed and we started creating a life together.

i miss that sleepy little house. i miss the fantastic tree. i miss my soft bed, covered with books and the western sun casting shadows across the floor.

still, i wouldn’t trade it for what i have now.

a life bustling with noise and intensity, little children who smell like sugar cookies.

the messes, great and small generated by the torrential energy of the little ones.

shrieks and screams and conflicts galore.

still, a day in my old oasis would be wonderful. i could use a little rest.

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house on fire

February 7, 2008 at 10:32 am (destruction, grace, mystery, reflection)

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the house next door caught on fire the other night. at first, i didn’t think much about the sirens, since i live a block away from the fire station and hear the trucks all day long. then i realized they were crowding the street in front of my house.

then i smelled the smoke.

the house next door is ten feet from mine. i live in a dense, urban area. i looked out the window and saw gray smoke rolling out of the basement windows and creeping out of the cracks in the windows upstairs. i started feeling panicky as i heard the firemen smashing windows and talking on their radios.

i never saw flames.

the smell of smoke built up for a while. i worried about my sleeping children and wondered if we would have to leave. these houses are old and made of brick, so i wasn’t too worried about the fire spreading. it crossed my mind but i put that thought quickly aside. fortunately the wind was blowing the smoke away from us and we were able to get some fresh, cold air from the south side.

no one was hurt. no one lives there. the house has been sitting empty for almost two years. our former neighbors got a “great deal” in the suburbs and moved away. they were unable to sell the remaining house though and it slipped into foreclosure. someone had just purchased it and was starting to renovate. now it’s a burned out shell.

i was just starting to make peace with the idea that we were going to give up the dream of a simpler, more natural life. i was beginning to commit to living in the city and tolerating the intensity of sound, smell and other stimulation. my dream of the small town with a more relaxed lifestyle was fading and the THE HOUSE BURNS?

don’t get me wrong. i am so grateful that no one was hurt and that things are relatively fine but i was excited about the renovation. excited at the possibility that there would be an improvement to the neighborhood, that someone finally cared about the old beauty. now i wonder what will happen. will it sit there empty and burned, continuing a vortex of energy that never gets resolved?

what does it all mean? is it an omen? am i supposed to make meaning out of it?

maybe there is no meaning…just a random, life-changing event for someone else.

i wish i knew.

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the church of woman

February 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm (divine feminine, grace, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m not the most grateful gal in the world. i’ve been known to fret and fuss, fall into longing for what i don’t already have and throw a tantrum or two over unmet desires. sometimes it’s not about things but more about how i want to feel. it is the work of my life in some ways, to strip away the falsity and find satisfaction in the simplest of pleasures.

women are lusty creatures. we want more, more, more. the life force coursing through our bodies drives us to distraction sometimes. i know that men know this. it must be tough for them to weather the storms of female wanting.

so much spiritual philosophy has been geared toward the transcendence of desire and the transcendence of the body. as a woman, i find this offensive. how can a creature of the senses like me transcend the very seat of my power? why would the deity in the sky require me to subvert my nature to get closer to HIM.

i am the earth…can that be my religion? can love and passion and pain and procreation be my religion? must i force myself to stay in a space of gratitude and servitude when i feel like roaring across the sky? should i dim my light and limp around and pretend to be humble when my nature is so fierce?

if anything, i want my experience here to be more primal, more fully human. i want to get closer to nature even if it means discomfort and a loss of control. i want to be in harmony with the rhythms and cycles of nature. i want, want, want.

i put the judgment of wanting aside now. it is my nature after all.

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crystal ball

January 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm (beginnings, grace, reflection, simplicity, wealth)

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i wish i had a crystal ball and could see what lies ahead. some things i know…the children will grow, the seasons will shift, i will work and continue to push ahead.

i hope i can start to pull away from the financial stress that keeps me up at night. i hope my husband and i can grow closer and live more harmoniously. i hope that i continue to grow spiritually.

i want to fall in love with the life i’m living. i’ve made progress. i want to be creative and dynamic and find new ways of approaching old problems. i want to be of good health and want the same for my family and friends. i want to experience more DIVINITY in my day to day dealings.

sometimes i feel like i was born at the wrong time. the world we’re in is stimulating and intense and overwhelming. i long for simplicity. after pondering for a long time, i realize that simplicity is an inner state. no amount of organizing and cleaning and downsizing can get me to that place of peace. i think too, that simplicity for me may require a degree of surrender to what is.

surrender is tough. i’m a fighter!

so…if i had a crystal ball, this is what i hope my forecast would be:

KEEP ON GOING…face life squarely, no more drifting off to sleep in a fantasy, you’re on the right track and whatever challenges come up, you have the resources to overcome. life is wondrous and magical and fantastic. SHOW UP WITH LOVE. you are doing a great job…

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