affair

September 13, 2008 at 12:24 pm (beauty, friendship, history, longing, sexuality)

i feel like having an affair.  a passionate, secret fling.  i want to kiss someone whose kisses make me dizzy and soft.

the thing is, there is no one around to have an affair with…

i’m also not interested in getting a divorce or creating (more) disharmony with my spouse.

i tend to be the kind of woman who can tolerate intense amounts of sexual interest and attraction without giving in.  i am a portrait of restraint.  i can’t tell you how many times i said no to opportunity…mostly by pretending there was none.

i just want to feel awake again.  i want to feel my body come to life and i want the newness of a new lover.  i want something rousing and gripping and stirring to pour myself into.

i dreamt about an old lover last night.  we were kissing and melting and riding the bus all over town.  the thing is, that particular lover was not one of my favorites.  we were friends who slept together during a time when we were both angry and hurt about the failure of other, more important relationships.

we’ve managed to stay in touch loosely and though our love was not a great, soul shaking experience, there remains a tenderness and a longing.  i think we both felt like we met up at the wrong time and valued each other despite the awkwardness of our pairing.

the last time i saw him, he was living with his future wife.  we met up for drinks with some of the other boys we used to know.  i was wearing a hat and i remember in one sweet moment he asked if i’d take the hat off.  i had beautiful hair then, before it got wiry and silver streaked…

i was shocked by the request because it told me something about him.  he was still holding me in a special place of beauty in his heart.  our friends shuffled awkwardly (it was as if they knew this man was still carrying a torch for me to my own surprise and slight discomfort).  i pulled the hat off and felt sorry knowing that my shiny, wavy locks weren’t as pretty in that moment as they had the potential to be, or as they once were.

that was it.  we drove down to the beach in the dark and ran around before the boys deposited me back at the place i was staying.  there might have been an opportunity for more that night.  in fact, looking back there were many opportunities for more with this particular guy, but always i held the space of NO.

now i wonder why i’ve always been such a naysayer when it comes to sex.  it’s not that i don’t enjoy it.

don’t worry…i’m not going to have an affair.  for one thing there’s no one around and for another, it goes against my sense of what’s right and noble.

but still, i find myself daydreaming about it and this man in particular…

i wonder if he dreams about me too, with the long mane that was once my crowing glory.  if he does it may be because i stopped it and refused to indulge.  after all those are the ones i still think of the most.  the ones i didn’t have.

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the pirate ship

February 23, 2008 at 11:29 pm (archetype, friendship, history, sexuality)

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i lived in a house full of beautiful boys a long time ago. they were rebellious and rowdy and drunk. i played with them and bore the brunt of their frustrations. it was uncanny how many of these boys had pirate flags. the jolly roger hung from windows and walls at every turn.

when the sun dropped and the sky darkened, that house with big windows felt like a ship rocking on the water. we were drifting on the sea, waiting for a ship of riches to come along to pillage and destroy.

the boys didn’t frighten me. i grew up with rough and tumble brothers.

i thought of the boys as brothers. i wanted to be one of them with the rights and privileges young, handsome men have. i thought they saw me as one of them, thought they saw past the obviousness of my femininity and sexuality.

they didn’t.

my lover at the time was threatened by the pirates. he wasn’t one of them, could never be one of them. he didn’t want me getting drunk with them. it puzzled me that he felt threatened. these were my friends after all, though deep in my heart, there was lust for some.

i unknowingly toyed with them. i flirted mercilessly, all the while denying it.

how could i help it? they were beautiful and i had them all to myself.

those boys chased me, teased me, adored and spurned me. by the end of our time together i was a howling, wounded mess. abandoned by my lover, i had no protection.

though i knew they didn’t want to hurt me, they were often mean when intoxicated. they turned on me more than once, channeling their frustrations with women onto me. we brushed against some blurry lines.

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

years later i know where most of them are.

one, dear to my heart, (the catalyst that drove the lover away) came to my wedding and ate supper with my new husband and i. it flattered me deeply when he said to my new mate, “she had this energy…and everyone wanted to be a part of it.”

it was just me, wanting to be a pirate with the rest of the boys.

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baby moon

February 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm (divine feminine, friendship, love, mothering)

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i went to a baby shower recently. i didn’t feel like going…i never do. i’m a hermit by nature and have to force myself out. fortunately, i’ve developed the ability to talk to anyone about anything and have enough charisma to make it charming and fun.

i was glad to honor my friend. it has been her dream to be a mother, long before it ever occurred to me. she suffered greatly to get here. even now, she’s facing an uncertain future with the father of the baby who refuses to move out of the home he lives in, deep in the mountains. he refuses to compromise in order to honor his partner and child.

oh well…at least she’s getting her baby. at 40 years old, she might not get another chance.

the baby shower was lovely. we played silly games, trying to guess the inches of the pregnant belly. we cooed over the little clothes and blankets. i couldn’t help thinking that my friend has no idea about what she is being initiated into. i didn’t know before i had my children.

a world of love and worry. a world of chaos and exhaustion. a lonely world at times.

we had a moment of prayer for the mom to be. i found myself hoping my dear friend would have an easy labor and birth. i hoped she could manifest more support than i did. i hoped that she would have time to rest with her newborn while others handled mundane daily details for her. i hoped she could create and relax into a lovely baby moon.

i also hoped that i could get myself together to offer her the support i longed for after giving birth.

we shall see…

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friend, so far

January 21, 2008 at 8:03 pm (friendship, history, mothering, wealth)

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my best friend lives far away. we talk on the phone once in a blue moon. the thread of our conversations pick up right where they were dropped as if no time has passed.

i miss her.

i wish we could raise our children together…create a modern commune of parenting and life. it’s tough to be out here on my own, no family worth mentioning.

she and i have a lot in common. both raised in affluent homes, both chose to strike out and live a life of adventure, both married to men of heart with little to no resources.

my mother used to say that the last, unspoken american prejudice was against the rich. i thought it was silly to complain of being so fortunate. now i see how this prejudice has shaped my choices. i felt self-conscious about our wealth, our home, the excess of it all. i felt a keen sense of injustice for those who had less. i never wanted to be identified with fur coats and fancy cars. i never felt comfortable fraternizing with the upper crust.

my friend feels the same though now, both of us with children, we lament the lack of security.

still we live rich lives. in my case, there is a richness to my struggle. if i had chosen to marry for money, to stay true to my upper class upbringing, i fear i would be floundering around trying to find meaning. i would be drinking heavily for sure and fighting the rage of another lunch date to discuss my most recent european holiday.

instead, i’m fighting the rage of seeing a culture out of balance, the inequities horrifying and dangerous. fighting to build the security my family needs with my own two hands and a mind that was idle too long. i feel grateful for the opportunity to discover my own creativity and strength now that the promise of inherited wealth is gone.

i continue to count my blessings for i am so very, very fortunate.

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