baby moon

February 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm (divine feminine, friendship, love, mothering)

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i went to a baby shower recently. i didn’t feel like going…i never do. i’m a hermit by nature and have to force myself out. fortunately, i’ve developed the ability to talk to anyone about anything and have enough charisma to make it charming and fun.

i was glad to honor my friend. it has been her dream to be a mother, long before it ever occurred to me. she suffered greatly to get here. even now, she’s facing an uncertain future with the father of the baby who refuses to move out of the home he lives in, deep in the mountains. he refuses to compromise in order to honor his partner and child.

oh well…at least she’s getting her baby. at 40 years old, she might not get another chance.

the baby shower was lovely. we played silly games, trying to guess the inches of the pregnant belly. we cooed over the little clothes and blankets. i couldn’t help thinking that my friend has no idea about what she is being initiated into. i didn’t know before i had my children.

a world of love and worry. a world of chaos and exhaustion. a lonely world at times.

we had a moment of prayer for the mom to be. i found myself hoping my dear friend would have an easy labor and birth. i hoped she could manifest more support than i did. i hoped that she would have time to rest with her newborn while others handled mundane daily details for her. i hoped she could create and relax into a lovely baby moon.

i also hoped that i could get myself together to offer her the support i longed for after giving birth.

we shall see…

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the church of woman

February 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm (divine feminine, grace, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m not the most grateful gal in the world. i’ve been known to fret and fuss, fall into longing for what i don’t already have and throw a tantrum or two over unmet desires. sometimes it’s not about things but more about how i want to feel. it is the work of my life in some ways, to strip away the falsity and find satisfaction in the simplest of pleasures.

women are lusty creatures. we want more, more, more. the life force coursing through our bodies drives us to distraction sometimes. i know that men know this. it must be tough for them to weather the storms of female wanting.

so much spiritual philosophy has been geared toward the transcendence of desire and the transcendence of the body. as a woman, i find this offensive. how can a creature of the senses like me transcend the very seat of my power? why would the deity in the sky require me to subvert my nature to get closer to HIM.

i am the earth…can that be my religion? can love and passion and pain and procreation be my religion? must i force myself to stay in a space of gratitude and servitude when i feel like roaring across the sky? should i dim my light and limp around and pretend to be humble when my nature is so fierce?

if anything, i want my experience here to be more primal, more fully human. i want to get closer to nature even if it means discomfort and a loss of control. i want to be in harmony with the rhythms and cycles of nature. i want, want, want.

i put the judgment of wanting aside now. it is my nature after all.

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tantra

January 22, 2008 at 5:54 pm (archetype, divine feminine, exploration, power, sexuality)

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i studied tantra yoga for a while, back when i was single and carefree. i briefly considered becoming an instructor, though i doubted my abilities on many levels.

my intuition was validated at a tantra teacher’s training in hawaii. there were a lot of nuts in attendance and though i have a high tolerance for nuts, i quickly realized that any work involving sexuality would be rife with the wounded and the weird.

there were a bevy of young beauties in attendance, powerful, goddess-women. the men on the other hand, were older, wrinklier, and creepy. the inequity was so clear. we were studying the oldest profession in the world, legitimized and cased in spiritual terms. these lovely ladies were out to capitalize on their youth and sensual gifts. they were business women.

the men were just hoping for some touch.

in tantra, everything hinges on the woman. she is the force of divinity, the queen and priestess. it is the woman’s unending sexual energy that heals and opens the masculine. i saw men curled into little balls of infantile catatonia. i saw men open to archetypal forces greater than themselves. one man had the glazed eyes of an addict as he scheduled sessions with any woman able and willing to accept large sums of cash in exchange.

the truth is, i had natural talent for the work. i learned quickly, the arts and techniques of using sexual energy for healing. i loved the power behind it, but didn’t know how to cope with the revulsion. i battled moments of fear with certain men, fear of losing control, fear of their primal urges, fear of the rage that needed healing. It bothered me to be intimate with people i had no affection for or attraction to.

i saw how easy it would be to build a business of sensual massage and healing breathwork. i knew exactly what kind of client would come. MEN. divorced and lonely with plenty of disposable income. men who’d been roughed up by the angry american woman. the emasculated, beat down, affection craving, kinky old men. i liked these men but i didn’t want to take my clothes off for them.

all that grinding and panting and chanting started looking unhealthy. it was as if some carefully controlled energetic component was unleashed and though it may have been the best healing ever for the person in question, i found myself in retreat.

in the end, it was simply too unromantic for this lady. though i may be rough and tumble in the dark, when the light is blinding i retreat.

some things are sacred after all.

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the night, the magic

January 9, 2008 at 3:37 am (divine feminine, magic, mystery, passion, power)

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i’m a night owl. i stay up late when i should be in bed, preparing for tomorrow. the night is the domain of woman. moonlight illuminates and creates spooky shadows. babies are born in the night when the world sleeps and threats are at bay. night, so quiet, gives ample time to ponder and pray.

take back the night…

the battle cry isn’t just about making the world safer for a woman to walk alone. it’s also about reclaiming and utilizing the power of woman. take back the night means owning our intuitive and empathic abilities. take back the night means being free to believe in mysteries and the power of magic spells. take back the night means allowing wisdom to come from unidentified, mystical sources. take back the night means resting in our emotions be they positive or negative. take back the night means celebrating sensuality, the body and nature. take back the night means relaxing into cycles that are bigger and more pure than our own ambitions.

i never left the night.

did you?

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mothering

December 31, 2007 at 11:52 pm (divine feminine, innocence, love, mothering, reflection)

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i have two small children and i love them dearly. i wish i were more patient and focused on them.

i’ve always been a bit of a hermit, a private person. naturally, it’s tough for me to handle the chaos and demands that children bring. i am ashamed that i’m not better at the job.

i recently went back to work full time after spending three years with my son and one year with my daughter. it has been incredibly energizing to have a business to build. still, i feel some regret that i’m not one of those lovely mothers who is happy to care for the children all day, coming up with fun craft projects and trips to the park and the zoo.

i’ve found it difficult to bond with other mothers and women in general. there’s a thread of competition that seems to run through my interactions with other mothers and i’m always on the losing end. i find it amusing most of the time. i’m one of those people who wants to shout to the world I’M HUMAN…I’M A MESS AND I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

there is some truth to this. i’ve been told that i’m incredibly accepting of others’ faults (though my husband would beg to differ). in my own internal world, i am mean as a snake in my self-reflective glory. i know what my potential is and i’m not there AT ALL. i’m not even trying.

that’s why the parenting haunts me a bit. i know i could do better and i just don’t.

still, they love me and i love them. i am so very very grateful they are here to help me become more of who i’m meant to be. bless them for this thankless task.

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reflections

December 26, 2007 at 10:26 pm (beginnings, destruction, divine feminine, exploration, magic)

the tempest

hmmmm, the launch of my secret blog…the place to confess, repent, reflect.

being a woman is being inherently flawed. to be precise…being human is being inherently flawed…or is it?

the thing about femininity i find difficult is the body, the sensuality, the madness, the desire to love and spawn and contain. none of this has felt natural to me and yet i’ve done it.

i’ve loved the wrong people and loved doing it. i’ve had way too much to drink and smoke. i’m driven by impulses to be destructive toward myself and others. i’ve relished the loss of reputation.

and so it begins…

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