desertion

July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am (destruction, exploration, power)

i guess that’s what i did…i deserted my secret blog.  i just got too busy as my husband went back to work and i was thrust into taking care of my children and building a business.  honestly i’ve been a bit depressed but that’s nothing unusual.

life feels so incredibly intense and i have these terrible moments of feeling like i’m not up to the task.  The trials and tribulations wouldn’t bother me so much if i felt capable of weathering the storms.  i am full of shame and weakness and it’s awful.

i think that some of the material i chose to explore here got to be too painful as well.  ruminating about what might have been, clinging to old memories and constantly seeking to find something more substantial in myself.  not just endurance but the ability to overcome my own bullshit.

i know i’m rambling and it’s not interesting.

i guess i’ll carry on for there’s not much else to do.  i just pray i can start to believe in myself and believe that at some point there will be more prosperity and stability in my world.  i pray that i can get past the anger of feeling somehow ripped off.

i disgust myself and thus…i will have to insert a pretty picture here to counteract the HORROR.

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death of sardanapalus

February 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm (destruction, history, innocence, power, sexuality)

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my family had a book of delacroix paintings when we were growing up. i remember being fascinated by this particular painting. i felt naughty looking at it for it hinted of things i didn’t understand…sexuality, the power of men over women, violence…

i couldn’t understand how the man in the bed seemed serene amidst the carnage. the women, so helpless, what had they done to deserve this?

it turns out, sardanapalus was under siege and when he knew defeat was inevitable, he ordered all his riches (including his women) destroyed. still, it puzzles me that he is so relaxed watching such horror unfold. imagine my confusion as a child!

as a young girl, i keenly felt the disparity between men and women. my brothers had masculine chores like taking out the trash and working on the yard. i was relegated to dishes and housework. i protested as soon as i was able. my family was politically liberal but my protests fell on deaf ears.

as a young woman, it bothered me that boys could behave a certain way and be cheered and encouraged. when i tried to pioneer, i felt resistance and sometimes even shame for being so bold.

i resented the physical vulnerability of being female and resented the attention that came from being pretty and charming. it took years for me to grow into my power. even now, i have moments of fear about being attacked, physically and or/psychically. i worry on behalf of my daughter, knowing that just being female means being a target of certain crimes and injustice.

it’s no wonder that for many years i distanced myself from anything too feminine. it just wasn’t safe.

is it safe now?

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house on fire

February 7, 2008 at 10:32 am (destruction, grace, mystery, reflection)

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the house next door caught on fire the other night. at first, i didn’t think much about the sirens, since i live a block away from the fire station and hear the trucks all day long. then i realized they were crowding the street in front of my house.

then i smelled the smoke.

the house next door is ten feet from mine. i live in a dense, urban area. i looked out the window and saw gray smoke rolling out of the basement windows and creeping out of the cracks in the windows upstairs. i started feeling panicky as i heard the firemen smashing windows and talking on their radios.

i never saw flames.

the smell of smoke built up for a while. i worried about my sleeping children and wondered if we would have to leave. these houses are old and made of brick, so i wasn’t too worried about the fire spreading. it crossed my mind but i put that thought quickly aside. fortunately the wind was blowing the smoke away from us and we were able to get some fresh, cold air from the south side.

no one was hurt. no one lives there. the house has been sitting empty for almost two years. our former neighbors got a “great deal” in the suburbs and moved away. they were unable to sell the remaining house though and it slipped into foreclosure. someone had just purchased it and was starting to renovate. now it’s a burned out shell.

i was just starting to make peace with the idea that we were going to give up the dream of a simpler, more natural life. i was beginning to commit to living in the city and tolerating the intensity of sound, smell and other stimulation. my dream of the small town with a more relaxed lifestyle was fading and the THE HOUSE BURNS?

don’t get me wrong. i am so grateful that no one was hurt and that things are relatively fine but i was excited about the renovation. excited at the possibility that there would be an improvement to the neighborhood, that someone finally cared about the old beauty. now i wonder what will happen. will it sit there empty and burned, continuing a vortex of energy that never gets resolved?

what does it all mean? is it an omen? am i supposed to make meaning out of it?

maybe there is no meaning…just a random, life-changing event for someone else.

i wish i knew.

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witch

January 13, 2008 at 5:08 am (archetype, destruction, history, magic, power)

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when i was a young woman, i wanted to be a witch. i was desperately searching for an archetype that represented force, magic and mystery. the witch fit the bill for awhile. i bought books, burned candles and incense. i payed close attention to the cycles of the moon in order to capitalize on available power.

i learned a few simple spells, always to do with love. though i knew it was wrong to manipulate, i tried anyway. the last spell i cast was one of my own making. it involved fire and the burning of many names. it wasn’t just for me, it involved friends and associates.

looking back, my arrogance and innocence astounds me.

at the time, i was in love with a man i considered my soul mate. i wrote our names on a piece of paper and burned it, hoping to set us both free to love each other more deeply.

within a week, he slept with a girl from his past and i ended up in bed with one of his friends. in two days i went to the darkest space of hell i’d ever imagined. it was as if i had been tossed into a bottomless pit of pain.

all around me, established relationships crumbled and changed. everyone i had involved in the spell seemed out of control and crazy. affairs were exposed and people swapped partners. it was as if we were all trapped in a snowglobe; shaken, chaotic, blurry and COLD.

i never cast a spell again.

my lover moved on after we half-heartedly tried to put ourselves back together. i knew it was over when i saw him after a short trip and felt my heart sink into my stomach. we’re still in touch, for the love was great and powerful but i can now see that my spell accelerated a process that had to unfold. he was never meant to be mine.

the witch still haunts me but i manage to keep her at bay. my capacity for destruction is just too tempting to play with.

i feel a new archetype taking shape, but she remains unnamed…no longer a maiden, certainly a mother, moving towards crone…

and always a fallen woman.

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the missed kiss

January 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm (destruction, history, longing, passion, reflection)

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a friend of mine sent me an article about a boy i used to know. now he’s a man and a successful one. the article had a picture of him in the bathroom with his wife and two children. one babe was in the bath, the other on his lap.

this boy, i had a mad crush on. the first time i saw him, i looked up and he was staring at me intently. Then he gave me a big, beautiful smile and i felt a shock of energy go through my body. it was intense and unfamiliar. i remember scowling at him which has always been a natural reaction when something surprising happens in my world.

that little shock of energy was like a mad seed that burrowed down inside me and started to grow. i found myself suddenly shy and unable to glance his way. i liked to look at him when he wasn’t paying attention. he was a very handsome boy…much too handsome for me. i’ve always liked my men less than pretty.

fate kept throwing us together. we had similar interests and crossed paths often. as other boys came in and out of my life, i learned to relax more with this one. we met to study and chat, though it became quickly clear to me that if he really knew me, knew the details of my life, that he would disapprove. i was out of control at the time, a charming mess.

the real shock came when i realized he had a mad crush on me as well. i felt an absolute sense of dread. my heart turned cold. i was slightly rude and quietly mocked his attempts to seduce me.

i don’t know why.

he hung in there, but the more favor he showed me the more i pulled away. in time he ended up with a girl who was heartbreakingly beautiful. i felt justified for i knew i wasn’t the right girl for him…too wild, too rough, too abusive toward myself and anyone who chose to care for me.

still, i wondered what it would have been like to kiss him.

the more time passes, the more i miss the kiss.

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across the tracks

January 3, 2008 at 11:58 pm (destruction, exploration, history, mystique, passion)

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the phrase fallen woman implies there’s been some bad behavior somewhere in the past that is almost impossible to recover from. in my case, i’m only a fallen woman in my inner world. there could very well be some people out there who view me as morally corrupt, but if there are, they aren’t brave enough to tell me.

i spent some time in new orleans at one point. it was a time of exploration and play. i knew it was temporary which allowed me to push the boundaries. i was obsessed with the wrong guy, stayed up late drinking every night and felt very, very charged up.

i loved it and it took me a long time to come back from the story i created and lived there. it was one of the most beautiful and wretched time periods of my life. i behaved badly and relished it. i gave myself permission to do whatever i wanted, letting my own demons take flight. i watched in fascination as i transformed from wall flower to hot house flower.

i still dream of the city; steamy, dark and fecund. i’m trying to cross the train tracks to get to my favorite 9th ward bar, but for some reason i can never get across. either there’s a train literally blocking me or there are distractions before i even get to the tracks.

always trying to get to the other side of the tracks…the dark, primal side of life where our desires run rampant and there’s no restraint.

sometimes in my clean incarnation here and now, i miss the sweaty heaven of my 9th ward madness.

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reflections

December 26, 2007 at 10:26 pm (beginnings, destruction, divine feminine, exploration, magic)

the tempest

hmmmm, the launch of my secret blog…the place to confess, repent, reflect.

being a woman is being inherently flawed. to be precise…being human is being inherently flawed…or is it?

the thing about femininity i find difficult is the body, the sensuality, the madness, the desire to love and spawn and contain. none of this has felt natural to me and yet i’ve done it.

i’ve loved the wrong people and loved doing it. i’ve had way too much to drink and smoke. i’m driven by impulses to be destructive toward myself and others. i’ve relished the loss of reputation.

and so it begins…

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