desertion

July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am (destruction, exploration, power)

i guess that’s what i did…i deserted my secret blog.  i just got too busy as my husband went back to work and i was thrust into taking care of my children and building a business.  honestly i’ve been a bit depressed but that’s nothing unusual.

life feels so incredibly intense and i have these terrible moments of feeling like i’m not up to the task.  The trials and tribulations wouldn’t bother me so much if i felt capable of weathering the storms.  i am full of shame and weakness and it’s awful.

i think that some of the material i chose to explore here got to be too painful as well.  ruminating about what might have been, clinging to old memories and constantly seeking to find something more substantial in myself.  not just endurance but the ability to overcome my own bullshit.

i know i’m rambling and it’s not interesting.

i guess i’ll carry on for there’s not much else to do.  i just pray i can start to believe in myself and believe that at some point there will be more prosperity and stability in my world.  i pray that i can get past the anger of feeling somehow ripped off.

i disgust myself and thus…i will have to insert a pretty picture here to counteract the HORROR.

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4 Comments

  1. cheaplikeme said,

    oh geez!! Hang in there. Is it something in the stars? You ought to know. I am taking a hard look at my life and thinking where I need to go … if only there weren’t this giant wall of terror in front of me. It’s so much more comfortable to stay here in the painful world of regretting and worry than to climb over the wall. Good luck.

  2. Monique said,

    there is a lot of struggle right now for all of us…hang in there and don’t be afraid of the fact that you feel you are standing in darkness…just remember that dawn will come.

  3. Michelle (Artscapes) said,

    Stay present and connected. If you spend too much time thinking about what you don’t have, you’ll never really see what you do. A long illness taught me to breathe in life and to be assured that all things will pass. Whether they are good or bad isn’t the point.

    Don’t just pray. BELIEVE.

  4. fallenwoman said,

    WOW!
    thanks for the words of encouragement! i really went to a dark space a few days ago…i’m a little better now and these comments help. it’s crazy in the world and that crazy knocks me around.

    whether they are good or bad isn’t the point…

    I LOVE THAT.

    life…it’s a mixed bag but what would i be without it?

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