the irony

July 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm (grace, magic)

feeling better now. thanks for the amazing comments! i can’t believe anyone actually visits here anymore…

i have a job that requires me to be positive and compassionate in the face of suffering. i have to say, i’m really good at it. i think the people i work with would be shocked at the level of my own inner turmoil. it’s IRONIC.

i love my business, but i find myself longing for something more predictable, a fresh challenge. i’m contemplating getting more education and trying something new. i’m certain i could continue with my business on the side and that it would actually be a lot more fulfilling if i weren’t so conscious of the quotas and goals i need to make to support the family.

it’s so easy to slip away from gratitude and into a space of lack. it’s way too easy for me personally.

on a lighter note, i adopted a cat. her name is rose and we have done some amazing bonding today. she was lost in my basement for awhile, but i dreamt about her last night, went down there this morning and got her. she’s now creeping around the midnight house, getting to know the place.

i hope she will be happy with us. i’m so ready to love her! i know rose will bring some magic to the house.

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desertion

July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am (destruction, exploration, power)

i guess that’s what i did…i deserted my secret blog.  i just got too busy as my husband went back to work and i was thrust into taking care of my children and building a business.  honestly i’ve been a bit depressed but that’s nothing unusual.

life feels so incredibly intense and i have these terrible moments of feeling like i’m not up to the task.  The trials and tribulations wouldn’t bother me so much if i felt capable of weathering the storms.  i am full of shame and weakness and it’s awful.

i think that some of the material i chose to explore here got to be too painful as well.  ruminating about what might have been, clinging to old memories and constantly seeking to find something more substantial in myself.  not just endurance but the ability to overcome my own bullshit.

i know i’m rambling and it’s not interesting.

i guess i’ll carry on for there’s not much else to do.  i just pray i can start to believe in myself and believe that at some point there will be more prosperity and stability in my world.  i pray that i can get past the anger of feeling somehow ripped off.

i disgust myself and thus…i will have to insert a pretty picture here to counteract the HORROR.

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