retreat in the woods

March 22, 2008 at 9:25 pm (beauty, history, innocence, longing, simplicity)

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i don’t know what it is about this painting…

it reminds me of places i visited as a child. my grandmother had a small cabin in the woods by a river. i used to love to visit her there. the smell of the mountain air so fresh and crisp, and the smell of her big fluffy quilts packed away in the winter.

i was scared to sleep there. it was very dark at night and i could here the hum of the generator, tucked into bed with one of my brothers and a small dog.

my family sold the land when i was still small. i remember how depressed my father was and find myself wondering why they did it. i think my mother wanted some spending money.

now with my own children i find myself pining over that little cabin. it would be so wonderful to have a place like that to retreat to. i would love to take the kids up to the mountains to pick wild flowers and wade in the ice cold river.

i think my parents are so foolish to have cast off such beauty without thought for the future. it’s one of many things i grieve more intensely as i age.

lately i wonder if i’m one of those people who’s going to be marked with bitterness over choices i made, how casually i passed on opportunities to be bigger and better.  will i carry a dark heart forever when i think of my family and the squandered legacy?

it could be that i’m tired as anyone with small children tends to be. the state of our country is so depressing right now. i look for a place to retreat to and find nothing. i’ve been following the election, hoping that maybe someone can get in there and make this place better. the whole thing is so ugly, i can’t look anymore.

did i mention i grew up in a very political family? it left me with a terrible attitude about the whole dirty business. children who are pushed to adult matters sometimes get turned off for a long time. others take on the family business. i guess i’m coming back into involvement slowly.

nature seems the place of purity, far from the manipulations of men. now when i go to nature, i stay in uncomfortable hotels, trying to relax and remember why i came.

oh for a little cabin in the woods!  maybe more than the cabin, i’m longing for a purity of heart, the belief that people are good and there is enough for all of us.

someday, i’ll make my fortune and the first thing i’m going to do is find my little retreat…humble and sweet, a tiny patch of heaven in the middle of nowhere.  that’s my bliss.

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spring is on the way

March 20, 2008 at 11:21 am (beginnings, magic)

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spring is coming. i can see it in the way the light is shifting. i love it when the earth explodes back into color.

we’ve had the flu at my house. what a nightmare! the tots would just sit and cry a cry i never heard before. it’s the sick cry of a body aching and tired and sweaty. it’s as if they knew there was no way out of it.

we’re still on the tail end of it which means a lot of sleep interruptions and restlessness.

still i see the life force churning and turning behind the scenes as spring begins her descent. i can even smell the lovely earth waking up as little bulbs push through.

what a relief!

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married to my lovey

March 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm (history, love, mystery)

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i never wanted to get married. it just wasn’t part of the plan. i met my husband right after 9/11 and for some reason i felt open to the idea for the first time. i was getting older and in some ways was in a bit of a rut.

within a week i knew we were going to get married. it was the weirdest thing.

he’s not like the other boys…he was immediately honest and open about his feelings. he let me know he was attracted to me. i had been used to chasing the impossible and his frank approach was refreshing and some what discombobulating.

he was a little better looking than most of my lads. strong and fit, though we’ve both gotten a little softer since…

the truth is, i’m not the best wife. i have wild mood swings and a terrible temper. i push him to be bigger and better and it’s not always nice. i’m so busy fighting to keep my family safe that i forget the poor guy.

i want him to be the king but he often plays the knave around here.

this is as close to a love letter as i can get, not being much for romantic sentiment outside my rich interior world.

here’s to you lovey.

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