January 22, 2008 at 5:54 pm (archetype, divine feminine, exploration, power, sexuality)


i studied tantra yoga for a while, back when i was single and carefree. i briefly considered becoming an instructor, though i doubted my abilities on many levels.

my intuition was validated at a tantra teacher’s training in hawaii. there were a lot of nuts in attendance and though i have a high tolerance for nuts, i quickly realized that any work involving sexuality would be rife with the wounded and the weird.

there were a bevy of young beauties in attendance, powerful, goddess-women. the men on the other hand, were older, wrinklier, and creepy. the inequity was so clear. we were studying the oldest profession in the world, legitimized and cased in spiritual terms. these lovely ladies were out to capitalize on their youth and sensual gifts. they were business women.

the men were just hoping for some touch.

in tantra, everything hinges on the woman. she is the force of divinity, the queen and priestess. it is the woman’s unending sexual energy that heals and opens the masculine. i saw men curled into little balls of infantile catatonia. i saw men open to archetypal forces greater than themselves. one man had the glazed eyes of an addict as he scheduled sessions with any woman able and willing to accept large sums of cash in exchange.

the truth is, i had natural talent for the work. i learned quickly, the arts and techniques of using sexual energy for healing. i loved the power behind it, but didn’t know how to cope with the revulsion. i battled moments of fear with certain men, fear of losing control, fear of their primal urges, fear of the rage that needed healing. It bothered me to be intimate with people i had no affection for or attraction to.

i saw how easy it would be to build a business of sensual massage and healing breathwork. i knew exactly what kind of client would come. MEN. divorced and lonely with plenty of disposable income. men who’d been roughed up by the angry american woman. the emasculated, beat down, affection craving, kinky old men. i liked these men but i didn’t want to take my clothes off for them.

all that grinding and panting and chanting started looking unhealthy. it was as if some carefully controlled energetic component was unleashed and though it may have been the best healing ever for the person in question, i found myself in retreat.

in the end, it was simply too unromantic for this lady. though i may be rough and tumble in the dark, when the light is blinding i retreat.

some things are sacred after all.



  1. Omyword! said,

    Many years ago, in Southern California, I was studying Buddhism with an angry American guy who had been ordained in Korea. He singled me out and asked me if I wanted to study Tantric yoga. I declined, but I have always been curious about it. He was too scary and angry. But if I had a partner I trusted, I would go and learn about it with him. Thanks for giving me a little peek at it.

  2. fallenwoman said,

    hmmm, he wanted to study tantra with YOU. funny!
    there’s actually a lot of great stuff for couples.
    magical things have the potential to get distorted sometimes though, when everyone has an agenda that’s not about LOVE.

  3. christine said,

    I hope more people come to understand that the sexual aspect of tantric yoga is just a small aspect of Tantra. From my studies and teachers, tantra is the yoga of Everything, and because it does not exclude, in must include sexuality. The west has grasped this aspect of tantric abundance and being in tune with all senses, dark and light and everything in between, to mostly mean the embracement of sexual healing…. which perhaps is needed in America. However, it is a watered down version of tantra yoga… a pop cultured interpretation of yoga. I encourage everyone interested in tantric yoga and practices to explore the possibility that the sexual aspect of tantra is there only because tantra does not exclude, but embraces all. Not saying that one shouldn’t explore sexuality through the use of tantra, but study tantra as MORE than just the yoga of sexuality and sexual healing.

    Thank you for sharing this story. Shows that you are open to exploring your feminine power.

  4. fallenwoman said,

    i did simplify my experience of tantra. it actually gave me a great deal of healing…it’s just this particular seminar was so BIZARRE that i had to back away fro a bit.

    would love to get back into it at some point with my better half, someday when we have time

  5. jess. said,

    “it was simply too unromantic…”

    how cool + nice. at times, i’ve really thought that romance is dead (but i insanely still believe in true love! lol).

  6. seetaram said,

    There are lot of websites on Tantric yoga, tantric sexuality, and many of them are related to “sex” but tantra is a way which leads to god. it is not just sex or the ability to enhance sex. of course, yoga postures, though different from tantra will definitely improvise health, TANTRA is entirely different from YOGA as far as my knowledge. What you wrote above is what most of the people other than Indians know.

    please go through http://www.tantradeities.blogspot.com

  7. fallenwoman said,

    didn’t mean to offend…i was being a tad facetious. it makes for better story telling. thanks for the link to the real deal.

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