mothering

December 31, 2007 at 11:52 pm (divine feminine, innocence, love, mothering, reflection)

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i have two small children and i love them dearly. i wish i were more patient and focused on them.

i’ve always been a bit of a hermit, a private person. naturally, it’s tough for me to handle the chaos and demands that children bring. i am ashamed that i’m not better at the job.

i recently went back to work full time after spending three years with my son and one year with my daughter. it has been incredibly energizing to have a business to build. still, i feel some regret that i’m not one of those lovely mothers who is happy to care for the children all day, coming up with fun craft projects and trips to the park and the zoo.

i’ve found it difficult to bond with other mothers and women in general. there’s a thread of competition that seems to run through my interactions with other mothers and i’m always on the losing end. i find it amusing most of the time. i’m one of those people who wants to shout to the world I’M HUMAN…I’M A MESS AND I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

there is some truth to this. i’ve been told that i’m incredibly accepting of others’ faults (though my husband would beg to differ). in my own internal world, i am mean as a snake in my self-reflective glory. i know what my potential is and i’m not there AT ALL. i’m not even trying.

that’s why the parenting haunts me a bit. i know i could do better and i just don’t.

still, they love me and i love them. i am so very very grateful they are here to help me become more of who i’m meant to be. bless them for this thankless task.

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aging to new beauty?

December 28, 2007 at 10:52 pm (beauty, mystique, physicality, reflection, sexuality)

YOUNG GIRLS…ENJOY THE BLOOM OF YOUTH…IT FADES TO SOMETHING DEEPER AND MORE PROFOUND YET LESS VISIBLE…

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lately i’ve been thinking a lot about aging. i never thought it would bother me. it’s not that it bothers me exactly but when i see the quality of my skin and how it’s changing, i realize that the beauty of youth is quickly leaving me.

i’ve never been incredibly good looking, but i had at one time a pretty hot little body and enough charisma to make up for being a little rough around the edges. i come from peasant stock and as such, have the unrefined features of a field worker.

ok, maybe i’m being too hard on myself. there were a handful of time periods in my life where i got plenty of male attention. i looked good in my tight little outfits and had really beautiful hair. now i see that the beauty i had is fading. i’m relieved that i wasn’t too invested in my looks. i can see now how painful it would be to lose that if it meant a lot.

honestly, i found it strange to be adored for my body and looks. i was always suspicious of it and slightly insulted. i’ve always wanted to be known more for who i am than what the outer shell looks like. secretly i loved the attention. and i especially loved being cruel to those who favored me with it.

now that it’s all gone, i wonder if i appreciated it enough. isn’t that the way of life though?

we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone?

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reflections

December 26, 2007 at 10:26 pm (beginnings, destruction, divine feminine, exploration, magic)

the tempest

hmmmm, the launch of my secret blog…the place to confess, repent, reflect.

being a woman is being inherently flawed. to be precise…being human is being inherently flawed…or is it?

the thing about femininity i find difficult is the body, the sensuality, the madness, the desire to love and spawn and contain. none of this has felt natural to me and yet i’ve done it.

i’ve loved the wrong people and loved doing it. i’ve had way too much to drink and smoke. i’m driven by impulses to be destructive toward myself and others. i’ve relished the loss of reputation.

and so it begins…

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welcome

December 26, 2007 at 9:18 pm (beginnings, exploration, mystery, passion, reflection)

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my new space for ultra-self-indulgent drivel.

so luscious…

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