a slow return

November 27, 2009 at 8:27 pm (reflection)

i’ve been gone for a while from here.  wow.  so much has happened.  i donwsized in a major way.  now everything is smaller and trimmer, though there’s still some extraneaous junk to be cut.

i guess that’s about it for now though i’m hoping i can make it back here more often and write about what’s unfolding.  i’ve missed having a space to let it all out.

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affair

September 13, 2008 at 12:24 pm (beauty, friendship, history, longing, sexuality)

i feel like having an affair.  a passionate, secret fling.  i want to kiss someone whose kisses make me dizzy and soft.

the thing is, there is no one around to have an affair with…

i’m also not interested in getting a divorce or creating (more) disharmony with my spouse.

i tend to be the kind of woman who can tolerate intense amounts of sexual interest and attraction without giving in.  i am a portrait of restraint.  i can’t tell you how many times i said no to opportunity…mostly by pretending there was none.

i just want to feel awake again.  i want to feel my body come to life and i want the newness of a new lover.  i want something rousing and gripping and stirring to pour myself into.

i dreamt about an old lover last night.  we were kissing and melting and riding the bus all over town.  the thing is, that particular lover was not one of my favorites.  we were friends who slept together during a time when we were both angry and hurt about the failure of other, more important relationships.

we’ve managed to stay in touch loosely and though our love was not a great, soul shaking experience, there remains a tenderness and a longing.  i think we both felt like we met up at the wrong time and valued each other despite the awkwardness of our pairing.

the last time i saw him, he was living with his future wife.  we met up for drinks with some of the other boys we used to know.  i was wearing a hat and i remember in one sweet moment he asked if i’d take the hat off.  i had beautiful hair then, before it got wiry and silver streaked…

i was shocked by the request because it told me something about him.  he was still holding me in a special place of beauty in his heart.  our friends shuffled awkwardly (it was as if they knew this man was still carrying a torch for me to my own surprise and slight discomfort).  i pulled the hat off and felt sorry knowing that my shiny, wavy locks weren’t as pretty in that moment as they had the potential to be, or as they once were.

that was it.  we drove down to the beach in the dark and ran around before the boys deposited me back at the place i was staying.  there might have been an opportunity for more that night.  in fact, looking back there were many opportunities for more with this particular guy, but always i held the space of NO.

now i wonder why i’ve always been such a naysayer when it comes to sex.  it’s not that i don’t enjoy it.

don’t worry…i’m not going to have an affair.  for one thing there’s no one around and for another, it goes against my sense of what’s right and noble.

but still, i find myself daydreaming about it and this man in particular…

i wonder if he dreams about me too, with the long mane that was once my crowing glory.  if he does it may be because i stopped it and refused to indulge.  after all those are the ones i still think of the most.  the ones i didn’t have.

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the irony

July 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm (grace, magic)

feeling better now. thanks for the amazing comments! i can’t believe anyone actually visits here anymore…

i have a job that requires me to be positive and compassionate in the face of suffering. i have to say, i’m really good at it. i think the people i work with would be shocked at the level of my own inner turmoil. it’s IRONIC.

i love my business, but i find myself longing for something more predictable, a fresh challenge. i’m contemplating getting more education and trying something new. i’m certain i could continue with my business on the side and that it would actually be a lot more fulfilling if i weren’t so conscious of the quotas and goals i need to make to support the family.

it’s so easy to slip away from gratitude and into a space of lack. it’s way too easy for me personally.

on a lighter note, i adopted a cat. her name is rose and we have done some amazing bonding today. she was lost in my basement for awhile, but i dreamt about her last night, went down there this morning and got her. she’s now creeping around the midnight house, getting to know the place.

i hope she will be happy with us. i’m so ready to love her! i know rose will bring some magic to the house.

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desertion

July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am (destruction, exploration, power)

i guess that’s what i did…i deserted my secret blog.  i just got too busy as my husband went back to work and i was thrust into taking care of my children and building a business.  honestly i’ve been a bit depressed but that’s nothing unusual.

life feels so incredibly intense and i have these terrible moments of feeling like i’m not up to the task.  The trials and tribulations wouldn’t bother me so much if i felt capable of weathering the storms.  i am full of shame and weakness and it’s awful.

i think that some of the material i chose to explore here got to be too painful as well.  ruminating about what might have been, clinging to old memories and constantly seeking to find something more substantial in myself.  not just endurance but the ability to overcome my own bullshit.

i know i’m rambling and it’s not interesting.

i guess i’ll carry on for there’s not much else to do.  i just pray i can start to believe in myself and believe that at some point there will be more prosperity and stability in my world.  i pray that i can get past the anger of feeling somehow ripped off.

i disgust myself and thus…i will have to insert a pretty picture here to counteract the HORROR.

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retreat in the woods

March 22, 2008 at 9:25 pm (beauty, history, innocence, longing, simplicity)

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i don’t know what it is about this painting…

it reminds me of places i visited as a child. my grandmother had a small cabin in the woods by a river. i used to love to visit her there. the smell of the mountain air so fresh and crisp, and the smell of her big fluffy quilts packed away in the winter.

i was scared to sleep there. it was very dark at night and i could here the hum of the generator, tucked into bed with one of my brothers and a small dog.

my family sold the land when i was still small. i remember how depressed my father was and find myself wondering why they did it. i think my mother wanted some spending money.

now with my own children i find myself pining over that little cabin. it would be so wonderful to have a place like that to retreat to. i would love to take the kids up to the mountains to pick wild flowers and wade in the ice cold river.

i think my parents are so foolish to have cast off such beauty without thought for the future. it’s one of many things i grieve more intensely as i age.

lately i wonder if i’m one of those people who’s going to be marked with bitterness over choices i made, how casually i passed on opportunities to be bigger and better.  will i carry a dark heart forever when i think of my family and the squandered legacy?

it could be that i’m tired as anyone with small children tends to be. the state of our country is so depressing right now. i look for a place to retreat to and find nothing. i’ve been following the election, hoping that maybe someone can get in there and make this place better. the whole thing is so ugly, i can’t look anymore.

did i mention i grew up in a very political family? it left me with a terrible attitude about the whole dirty business. children who are pushed to adult matters sometimes get turned off for a long time. others take on the family business. i guess i’m coming back into involvement slowly.

nature seems the place of purity, far from the manipulations of men. now when i go to nature, i stay in uncomfortable hotels, trying to relax and remember why i came.

oh for a little cabin in the woods!  maybe more than the cabin, i’m longing for a purity of heart, the belief that people are good and there is enough for all of us.

someday, i’ll make my fortune and the first thing i’m going to do is find my little retreat…humble and sweet, a tiny patch of heaven in the middle of nowhere.  that’s my bliss.

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spring is on the way

March 20, 2008 at 11:21 am (beginnings, magic)

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spring is coming. i can see it in the way the light is shifting. i love it when the earth explodes back into color.

we’ve had the flu at my house. what a nightmare! the tots would just sit and cry a cry i never heard before. it’s the sick cry of a body aching and tired and sweaty. it’s as if they knew there was no way out of it.

we’re still on the tail end of it which means a lot of sleep interruptions and restlessness.

still i see the life force churning and turning behind the scenes as spring begins her descent. i can even smell the lovely earth waking up as little bulbs push through.

what a relief!

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married to my lovey

March 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm (history, love, mystery)

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i never wanted to get married. it just wasn’t part of the plan. i met my husband right after 9/11 and for some reason i felt open to the idea for the first time. i was getting older and in some ways was in a bit of a rut.

within a week i knew we were going to get married. it was the weirdest thing.

he’s not like the other boys…he was immediately honest and open about his feelings. he let me know he was attracted to me. i had been used to chasing the impossible and his frank approach was refreshing and some what discombobulating.

he was a little better looking than most of my lads. strong and fit, though we’ve both gotten a little softer since…

the truth is, i’m not the best wife. i have wild mood swings and a terrible temper. i push him to be bigger and better and it’s not always nice. i’m so busy fighting to keep my family safe that i forget the poor guy.

i want him to be the king but he often plays the knave around here.

this is as close to a love letter as i can get, not being much for romantic sentiment outside my rich interior world.

here’s to you lovey.

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the legacy

February 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm (beauty, history, longing, wealth)

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when i was a young girl, my grandparents owned a lovely old, adobe home in the hondo valley. over the years, they expanded on the house and it became very, very lush. it was beautiful beyond belief, not just the house and furnishings, the incredible hondo valley.

visiting this magical place was a treat for my brothers and i. there were lavish parties and gifts galore. it was the height my grandparent’s wealth and success. still it was lonely. there was nothing to do there but play outside which was more rewarding for my brothers who liked to fish and hunt.

at some point, my grandfather who fancied himself some kind of modern, american king, imported peacocks to roam the property. in my memory, i still hear their aching calls and see them in languid pose. i used to roam around looking for discarded feathers, the beautiful blue and green eyes were treasured. as an adult, i learned that the peacocks were picked off by coyotes one by one. their lives were difficult in the valley. the importing of peacocks had been vain and unrealistic.

my grandfather passed away about 6 weeks ago. though he lived a long and by all accounts a good life, i find myself feeling a mixture of feelings about him.

he was the kind of person that could sit with you calmly, seemingly relaxed but a million miles away. his mind was racing, racing, racing. i often felt invisible around him. he half-payed attention.

he was selfish, creating an empire and letting it crumble to nothing. if only he had told us all not to expect anything. instead, my mother and her siblings are riddled with depression and a seeming lack of direction. their expectations of inherited wealth clipped their wings and kept them in competition for the great patriarch’s approval.

the hondo valley house was sold long ago to pay off the mountain of debt that had accumulated. i dream of it often. the lovely, crystal blue swimming pool that i can never get to. that pool seems to be symbolic of the abundance and magic my grandfather created and destroyed all in the course of one life.

i loved him and i see my tendency to be like him when my mind is racing, racing, racing…always working out ways to make my business stronger.

i have no hope (or desire) of recapturing the level of his creation, but i do want the beauty he was so fortunate to experience. the beautiful lines of an old adobe, the green lushness of a fertile valley in the desert, peacocks drifting across the lawn.

hopefully in the version i create, the coyotes will be kept safely at bay.

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layers

February 25, 2008 at 3:45 pm (grace, innocence, mothering, simplicity)

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layers of meaning, layers of moments. the complexity of life is astounding. my feelings shift quickly from a moment of gratitude to a deep lament.

i want so much for myself and my family. i feel the intensity inside, a fire burning, burning. i want to relish this short life despite the complications and annoyances and struggles.

when i was younger i wore crazy clothing…layers of velvet and satin. i ran about in the wee hours sweaty and stained, starving for more. those layers of old fabric sticking to my skin, concealing a black heart.

my self absorption was legendary. there was room for no one else in my narrative. i wrote the play of my life and cast all the players. i never let them break from their prescribed roles.

how unfair is that?

now i want safety. i want rest and comfort. i want peace for my children. i’m still selfish as hell. it’s a constant battle to put aside my pettiness.

the layers i work with now are the layers of protection i place around the tots. the prayers for safety and prosperity. the layers of meaning i need the children to understand so they can grow up and navigate the world with some degree of effectiveness.

i layer them in alternating emotional responses; love, annoyance, impatience, celebration, play, disapproval, and on and on.

they are bundled up for better or worse in the concept of reality i created for them. someday they will free themselves to write their own stories.

where will i be then?

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the pirate ship

February 23, 2008 at 11:29 pm (archetype, friendship, history, sexuality)

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i lived in a house full of beautiful boys a long time ago. they were rebellious and rowdy and drunk. i played with them and bore the brunt of their frustrations. it was uncanny how many of these boys had pirate flags. the jolly roger hung from windows and walls at every turn.

when the sun dropped and the sky darkened, that house with big windows felt like a ship rocking on the water. we were drifting on the sea, waiting for a ship of riches to come along to pillage and destroy.

the boys didn’t frighten me. i grew up with rough and tumble brothers.

i thought of the boys as brothers. i wanted to be one of them with the rights and privileges young, handsome men have. i thought they saw me as one of them, thought they saw past the obviousness of my femininity and sexuality.

they didn’t.

my lover at the time was threatened by the pirates. he wasn’t one of them, could never be one of them. he didn’t want me getting drunk with them. it puzzled me that he felt threatened. these were my friends after all, though deep in my heart, there was lust for some.

i unknowingly toyed with them. i flirted mercilessly, all the while denying it.

how could i help it? they were beautiful and i had them all to myself.

those boys chased me, teased me, adored and spurned me. by the end of our time together i was a howling, wounded mess. abandoned by my lover, i had no protection.

though i knew they didn’t want to hurt me, they were often mean when intoxicated. they turned on me more than once, channeling their frustrations with women onto me. we brushed against some blurry lines.

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

years later i know where most of them are.

one, dear to my heart, (the catalyst that drove the lover away) came to my wedding and ate supper with my new husband and i. it flattered me deeply when he said to my new mate, “she had this energy…and everyone wanted to be a part of it.”

it was just me, wanting to be a pirate with the rest of the boys.

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